“You were a little unwell, darling. We had no choice. The police and judges… they wouldn’t let us bring you home. But yes. We are here to take you home.” Dad stepped to the side, opening the space for Mom and me to hug, but she didn’t come closer. I looked at Dad, and he looked at her. She was so cautious when she finally approached me.
“I’m so sorry.”
“For what?” she asked.
“For whatever I did. I know you wouldn’t have put me in this place unless I did something horrible. I’m sorry, Mommy. You don’t have to hug me if you don’t want. I understand. I’m sorry.” She took me in her arms, and I crumbled on her shoulders. “I’m sorry, Mommy. I’m s-so s-sorry. Please don’t stop loving me. Please”
Mommy was crying as she said, “You were unwell, baby. You have nothing to apologize about. Of course I want to hug you.”
10. Prom Night
MAGDALENA
EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD, MAY
It’s the perfect dress.I bit my lip as I walked up to the mirror. A whisper of happiness tugged at the corners of my lips. The dress was baby-blue chiffon, sleeveless, with a sweetheart neckline. Hugging my waist was a belt with glass crystals that matched my earrings. Mom wanted me to wear the matching crown, but that would have been too much. Besides, I already felt like Cinderella. It wasn’t often I felt any emotion, not sincehedisappeared. I sighed…
Don’t think about him.
He was just a crush.
No, he wasn’t.
What makes me sound crazier, obsessing and missing a boy I haven’t seen in eight years or arguing with myself?
None of it made sense to anyone, not even me. If my parents had known I was still missing him, they’d take me to another psych ward. Despite the drowning therapy sessions, my memories of Killian were the first to slowly trickle back to me after I left that awful place. I still didn’t remember what I’d done, and except for the drowning sessions, I hardly recalled anythingthat happened while I was there. My parents told me a little bit, that I’d tried to kill myself. But that’s it.Usually, they’d end the subject pretty fast. I had the feeling Dr. Laurent had told them to try to not discuss it with me in detail.
Everyone still believed Killian killed his parents. So many years had passed since he’d disappeared. I wished it didn’t hurt as bad the first day. I’d just become really good at putting a smile while feeling like an empty shell.I don’t want to go to prom with Mael. I want Killian. Where the fuck is he?Tears threatened to spill, so I took a long breath while resting my forehead in my hands. This was why I pushed all my emotions to the deepest parts of me until I was numb, because if I let one surface, then all the ones which belonged to him spilled out as well.
Come on, be a normal girl. Go to the stupid party, pretend to have fun, and then come home.All that mattered was that in a week, I’d be free in London. I wouldn’t have to hold back and pretend anymore. Mom and Dad would return to their lives here with my siblings, and I could be my real self. I already had a ticket to Ireland for the weekend. Ireland in two weekends…I’ll find him.The thought made me smile and move my waist with a little victory dance. Glancing in the mirror, I found Mom smiling at my little dance from the door.
“You look like Cinderella.” She walked into my bedroom; our gazes held in our reflections. I swept my hands down the skirt of my dress as if I was trying to keep something from escaping.
Mom placed her palms on my bare shoulders while admiring the dress. “I can’t believe how beautiful, intelligent, and big you are. I can’t believe how fast you’ve grown.” Her voice broke.
“Mom, don’t start or I swear I’ll stay home.”
“I’m sorry. It’s just… I dreamt of having a little girl all my life. You’re my dream, Magdalena, and you’ve exceeded all of our expectations. I’m so happy for you. So proud of you. Cambridge. That’s unbelievable.”
“Do you think Dad’s happy with me too?”
Her eyes widened, and her mouth fell agape. “Honey, of course. Why wouldn’t he be? Are you kidding me? Magdalena, your father just got caught up with the birth of the royal twins. But he loves you more than anything. You’re his world.”
“I’m not upset that he isn’t here for this. This isn’t important to me, Mom. It’s just… Dad has always had high expectations. And I messed up?—”
“Hey.” She turned me to face her. “That was just to keep you distracted, okay? All that prime minister crap was just to keep you busy and distracted. And about what you did… I don’t want to hear you blaming yourself ever again. You needed help, and we obviously missed the signs. And you’ve been doing perfectly fine since. You’ve gone to every therapy appointment and taken every pill. So, stop it. You can go draw stick figures on a canvas, and that will be more than enough to keep us happy.”
I faked a chuckle, so she’d feel better. “Stick figures, Mom, yeah, right.”
“I’m serious. We have more than enough money for you to just sit around and listen to music all day, maybe read a fun book, not all those religious books you like. My point is, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” For a minute, the weight, the pressure lifted from my shoulders, and Mom and I embraced. I exhaled it all out. It would’ve been so nice to believe her, but I knew Dad expected me to accomplish something, to be the best at something, and after fucking up so badly years ago, I needed to prove myself to him.
Everything snapped back to the way it was seconds before she uttered those words. “Come. It’s getting late. Let’s get you all ready. Where’s your purse?” she asked.
“Here. Can you give me one more minute up here?” I grabbed the purse from the bed. Mom leaned in and kissed my forehead. Her forehead kisses always felt good.
“Your corsage is still in the fridge. Meet me in the living room?”
I nodded as she walked out of the room ahead of me.
