I had no claim to him. No hope that tonight’s events would have a chance to be repeated. No chance of the feelings I’d been attempting to bury to come to light.
At some point along the way, my feelings shifted. Pip had been annoying and dangerous. The attraction I felt to him was physical only. But then I blinked and suddenly there was a Pip-shaped space inside of me. A space where I welcomed his brand of chaos with open arms.
This was all too fast. I didn’t do relationships. My emotional bandwidth was limited in order to keep my work at the standard I preferred. Falling for someone—much less someone like Pip who was deeply ingrained in my world—was not part of the plan.
But, fuck me.
I wanted it.
I wanted Pip.
This was going to be a disaster. Still, I couldn’t avoid it any longer. Ignoring everyone I passed was easy once I settled on the need to get back to my suite.
I’d been gone too long. Had been silent when I shouldn’t have been.
Guilt twisted my insides. Pip had been vulnerable tonight. He’d stripped all the pretense away, giving me every piece of himself. And I’d just left him there. I’d run out the minute I had the chance.
What the hell was I thinking? Pip might have been tough to everyone else, but for me he showed more than the hired assassin persona. He’d revealed his need for praise and reassurance.
I opened the door, hating myself for how I’d handled things. It was time to get my mind right. I needed to accept what was coming before I hurt Pip any further. I had no doubt he’d take my leaving as a sign he’d failed me, or worse, that I was angry with him.
Neither were true.
It was dark when I stepped inside. There was a distant glow in the bedroom from the lamp near my bedside. I moved in that direction after locking the door behind me, mind already focused on what I’d say.
But then I found an empty bed.
My body froze at the sight. I went to the bathroom next, despite the obvious tell that he wouldn’t have been there because the lights were off. On my way out, just as my panic built, I spotted the rounded shape on the couch.
Easing forward, I tugged the edge of the blanket back. Kneeling on the floor, I took in Pip’s curled-up form, with both arms clutching a pillow to his chest as if it were a lifeline. Gone was the violent man who got off on violence. Pip was much smaller now, much softer.
And then I saw the trail of tears down his cheeks.
The last of my hesitation fled at the realization that my leaving had done this. I’d turned my back on him when he needed me to stay.
I couldn’t stand the thought of him believing he’d done something wrong. My issues weren’t a reflection of him. There was only one way to rectify my screw up.
Gently, I shook his shoulder. “Pip… I need you to wake up.”
Instead of rising slowly like most people would, his eyes shot open as his hand shot out for me. I let him grab my throat, fingers tight on my windpipe, as his mind cleared the sleepy fog from his mind. He released me as soon as he realized who I was.
He pushed up and away from me, the pillow still tight in his grasp. The way he put distance between us was more than physical.
“Why are you on the couch?” I asked, needing to address the immediate concern.
His eyes moved to look out the window. “Figured you didn’t want me in there.”
“You shouldn’t—” I cut myself off. Placing blame on him wouldn’t fix the rift between us. Instead, I went with what I knew best. Control. “Get up.”
“What?”
“Get up, Pip. It’s time to go to bed.”
“Henri, you don’t need to?—”
Oh, fuck no. Absolutely not.
I was Henny. Not Henri. How fucking dare he take that away from me? Even if I am an ass, I’m his ass.
