“Hey, El? Can you help me for a sec … are you okay?” Leo’s voice reaches me, but it’s hollow. I sense a shadow covering me as he kneels before me. “Ladybug. Look at me.”
I can’t. I’m lost to horrid memories.
Feeling the moment when I was no longer pregnant. The emptiness. The melancholy. Struggling to even breathe as I mourned the last connection to the only man I ever loved, and feeling like it was all my fault.
He doesn’t even know about the baby. About the year that followed, when I was at my lowest. When I almost ended it all. No one would miss me. No one would notice.
“Baby,” he whispers, the sound so full of sorrow that I clench my eyes tightly closed. I can’t get out of the past. I feel the tears slide down my cheeks, and when he reaches up to gingerly wipe them away, I lunge to the side.Don’t touch me. You shouldn’t show me compassion. I don’t deserve it.
“I need you to say goodbye to Oliver,” I stammer. “I need you to go right now. Please.”
“Ella. Tell me what’s wrong.”
I shake my head vehemently. “No. Please leave. I — you can’t be here. I can’t do this right now.”
Leo hesitates. “I’m not leaving you alone like this. I don’t even know why you’re upset. Is it me? The kids? Something else?”
An odd ball of laughter bubbles up inside me as I push Leo away. “I’m fine. I’m always fine. I’ll be fine. Please leave.”
He falls backward onto his ass, staring up at me incredulously. “No.”
“Leo, please. Just go.”
“No! I’m not leaving.” His voice rises considerably, and a cry comes from the baby’s room. “Fuck. Was she asleep?”
“Yes, she was,” I snap, trouncing around him. As I approach my bedroom door, where Violet’s crib is, I whirl around to find Leo right on my heels. “Donotfollow me in here!”
I barely make out his expression due to the tears, but he listens. I pull Violet from her crib, snuggling her into my arms, as I hear Leo murmur something to Oliver. When I don’t hear the front door open and close, I know he’ll stay until I come back out. He won’t leave Oliver unattended. As much as that fact frustrates me, it allows me to relax for a moment, knowing my nephew is cared for.
As Violet slowly falls back asleep against my chest, I cry silently. I cry for the Ella of eight years ago, who thought she was making the best decision. I mourn for the Ella at her lowest, who knew she was unlovable. And I sob for the Ella of today, who feels lost and alone. I’m raising my niece and nephew, barely making ends meet, and I don’t know how much more I can take.
An hour later, I quietly open my bedroom door, not knowing what I might find. Leo and Oliver had been almost completely silent, and I’m shocked to find them playing with a container of Play-Doh toys on the floor of the living room. Not acknowledging them, I carry Violet into the kitchen to make her bottle, then pull out a frozen pizza to put in the oven for Oliver. After preheating the oven, I shuffle into the living room, quietly easing onto the well-worn leather couch.
Leo speaks first. “Are you okay?”
I sigh. “I’ll be fine.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
I sigh again, rolling my eyes. I push my hair out of my face, wondering how awful I look. “No, Leo. I’m not okay. But I’ll be fine.”
He carefully extricates himself from the Play-Doh toys to come sit beside me on the couch. “Would you like to talk about it?”
“No.”
“The last thing I said was that you walked away.”
I don’t reply. We both know it triggered everything that just happened. Leo isn’t dumb. Years of learning how my mind works tells me he can put two-and-two together.
“What happened after I left, El?” he finally asks.
It takes me a while to respond as I struggle to formulate the words. I could go with sarcasm. Tell him it was all death and despair. Or, I could be somewhat honest. I struggled more than I thought, and really went through a depressive period. I’m definitely not telling him the full truth.
I’m unprepared for what he says next. “Did you know my family kept tabs on you for me?”
“What?” I gasp, my head swiveling to gape at him.
He has the decency to look chagrined, rubbing his hand through his hair. “I didn’t like how things ended. I knew something was eating at you, more than just moving. I was worriedabout you. It wasn’t just about leaving your mom or Ember. Then I saw you a few years ago, with a baby on your chest, and I told them I never wanted to talk about you again.”
