“He did,” Leo says, his back still to me, but I can hear a smile inhis tone. “Never been called grandpa before. Does he know you’re the same age?”
“No clue. I’ve never given him the time of day. He only knows I’m raising Ember’s kids, but she told me he’d hit on her as well, even when was she close to delivering Violet.”
“Some men don’t have boundaries.” Leo turns to me, his eyes intense. “You tell me if he doesn’t let up, okay?”
“You don’t have to fight my battles for me, Leo. I’m perfectly capable of telling him no.”
“If he continues, we’ll go about this the legal way first,” he says, disregarding me. “Alex can get you a restraining order. I’m not sure how that would impact his living arrangements, but that’s not our problem. I’ll look into it.”
“I didn’t ask for help. Why are you here?”
His gaze doesn’t waiver. “I told Oliver I’d fix the lights.”
“He probably forgot about it.”
“I bet he didn’t.”
“Leo,” I say exasperatedly.
“Ella,” he mimics, a smile fighting to appear on his handsome face. There’s more scruff on Leo than I’m used to seeing, but I notice a couple of spots where hair doesn’t appear to grow. Scar tissue, perhaps? As my gaze lingers, Leo notices, raising a hand to scratch absentmindedly at his chin. I can’t help but wonder how much of his body is damaged from the explosion.
“It’s you! Are you gonna fix the light? And the screaming dishwasher?” Oliver shouts from behind me. Leo gives me a victorious grin, and I roll my eyes.
“I am. Are you going to be my assistant?” Leo asks, crouching down so he’s eye level with Oliver. My nephew’s eyes widen.
“I be your assistant?” he asks incredulously.
“Yup. You can hand me the tools. I don’t think I can fix the lights without your help.” He looks so earnestly at Oliver that my heart skips a beat. I’m watching Oliver, in real time, fall in love with a father figure. I just know it. He’s never had a manconsistently in his life, and I didn’t notice until this very moment how much he must have wanted it.
“Come on!” Oliver shouts. As Leo attempts to shuffle past me, I reach out to grip his arm. He’s wearing a navy long-sleeve shirt, and the tendons ripple underneath the fabric as my fingers surround his limb.
Leo inhales quite audibly, looking down at my hand, then carefully extracts himself from my touch. Suddenly embarrassed, I feel heat spread across my neck and jaw. “Oh, I’m sorry. But Leo, be careful. I don’t know what you’re doing here, and you certainly don’t owe us anything. Don’t make promises to Oliver you don’t intend on keeping. He’s too young to comprehend when you decide to leave again.”
Leo’s eyes widen as he steps away from me. “I didn’t leave, Ladybug. You did. I was getting ready to propose, and you broke up with me. So don’t you dare sit here and act like this was all my fault.”
I gasp, flinging a hand over my mouth in surprise. Surely he’s exaggerating. He couldn’t have been “getting ready” to propose. I watch as he strides away, his gait off as one leg drags behind the other, following my nephew into the bedroom.
Closing the apartment door, I barely make it to the couch before I collapse. I’m transported back to our last few weeks together. Leo was home after a long deployment, and I remember him bringing up North Carolina often. My mom was struggling, feeling lost without my dad, and I couldn’t fathom moving across the country. As much as I loved my brother and sister, I knew they weren’t the rocks that our mom needed. Leo seemed different that visit, happier than I’d ever seen him. I’d chalked it up to him setting Gianna up with his friend, but now I wonder if he’d thought about proposing.
Leo and I broke up more than once during our twenties. I tried to understand where he was coming from. I tried to be patient. Looking back, I think I heard things I wanted to hear. I convincedmyself he’d get out of the Army soon. That he’d want to be home. And maybe Leo had the opposite thought. That the only reason I wouldn’t move to North Carolina was because he hadn’t proposed.
In truth, I was a shell of myself every time he deployed. Each time, it was worse. I’d wake up screaming, convinced he was dead. I truly believed it would be even worse if we were married. If I moved to North Carolina, with absolutely no support system whatsoever. That when —when— he was killed, I wouldn’t survive it. How could I be responsible for cleaning out his apartment, selling his car, and giving all the Army things back when I would be barely functioning? Could I have even gone on living, knowing the best part of me was gone? And how the hell do I explain what I thought back then to Leo today?
The more time I spent with Leo on that last visit, the more we argued. I pulled back, knowing I had to end it. Knowing if either one of us felt forced to move, it would end brutally. I needed to be in Eternity Springs, and he needed to be in North Carolina. An ultimatum would make both of us suffer. No matter how much I loved him, I couldn’t keep him.
I never could have imagined how miserable I’d be afterward. I’d made peace with my decision, knowing I’d never love another man. Knowing no one could possibly compare to the one who cherished my heart for half of my life. But when I’d finally ended it, when he told me not to contact him again, part of my heart died as he walked away.
I was in the worst state of depression. I could barely eat, rarely showered, and only survived because of Ember forcing me to. Ember had double duty, taking care of me and our mom, because I couldn’t do anything.
Three months after I ended things with Leo, I ended up in the emergency room. I’d lost a lot of weight, and Ember was freaked out. Consistent stomach cramps had her convinced I had an ulcer. I was miserable, truly thinking this was karma for breaking up with Leo. It wasn’t an ulcer. It was much worse.
I was miscarrying our child.
In a moment of panic and heartbreak, I called Leo. He didn’t pick up, and I didn’t leave a voicemail. I figured he’d see my number and call me back. But he never did. I was all alone.
I hadn’t known I was pregnant. I wasn’t even sure I’d wanted children of my own. But the moment the doctor said he thought it was a miscarriage, I was devastated. It was a piece of Leo that I didn’t know I still held, and losing that tiny piece destroyed me. What would they have been like? What traits of Leo’s would have been genetically passed on? His beautiful brown eyes, his steadfast personality, or his stubbornness? What about the shape of his nose, or his loyalty? Would Leo’s child want to join the military, too?
The miscarriage wrecked me, physically and emotionally. It felt like a penance. Like it was the universe serving me up a plate of reality for breaking Leo’s heart. I didn’t deserve to have a child. To bring life into the world, when all I was responsible for was breaking hearts. I didn’t deserve to have anyone love me.
