“It’s the only way to make the pain go away.” The words came out haltingly.
Tears rolled down Nevan’s cheeks, and he sniffled while Cillian looked at me in horror.
At this point, I wasn’t even sure I knew how else to cope with Lor’s death. Except with Niamh. With Niamh the pain had always lessened, some of her light breaking through all my darkness. “And you’re right, Cillian. I don’t deserve Niamh. I never will, and I won’t subject her to my fucked-up life.”
“I just said that because I was angry. I don’t actually believe it. You’re the best man I know,” Cillian said. “Protective, loyal to a fault. Grumpy as all get out, but...”
“I said those words to her tonight to push her away.”
“Like you do with everyone,” Nevan said. “Except you’re not making the pain go away. You’re not fixing anything. You’re numbing it. And one day, all that pain is going to bubble up and explode. It’s not healthy.”
I swallowed back my tears, throat thick with them. “I’m not ready, and I don’t think I’m the reason Niamh was brought here.” I gestured around the library. “Look what she’s done with this place, howbrilliant it is. How happy everyone is getting their books. She brought stories back to us. She brought hope. I think that’s why she’s here.”
Cillian nodded, pity shining in his eyes. “So you’re not going to admit your feelings for her?”
“I can’t,” I said. “I don’t know how to be someone’s lover. I don’t know how to be anything other than this.” I gestured to myself.
Cillian nodded in resignation, and Nevan clapped a hand on his shoulder. I hated the way they were looking at me right now, as if I was a disappointment, as if I’d somehow hurt them all over again.
“I’m glad you’ve realized Niamh isn’t the right person to become queen,” I told Cillian. “She’d much rather spend her days in the library, surrounded by books. She’ll get her key soon, I’m sure of it. But I won’t be part of her happy ending.”
Cillian gave a sharp nod, no longer meeting my eyes.
“I’ll stay up here the rest of the night, out of sight, out of the way, but I’ll be keeping guard.”
“Yeah, that’s what you’re good at,” Cillian said, then turned and walked away.
Nevan opened his mouth to speak but shut it and followed our brother while I returned to my position on the balcony, making sure I avoided Niamh’s gaze the rest of the night.
The party dragged on for what felt like hours, but finally Niamh thanked everyone, and one by one, the partygoers filed out the door. Cillian stood on one side of the line, Niamh on the other, both of them thanking everybody on their way out. I didn’t want to be part of the crowd, hoping I could slip out unnoticed once the room was completely emptied.
Finally, both Cillian and Niamh left, the door clicking closed behind them, and I let out a sigh of relief and slumped against the wall.
I felt completely drained of every fucking emotion, completely spent. Completely empty. I walked down the stairs, the candlelight flickering, the room dim and dark with the moon shining through the stained-glass windows, painting a silvery picture across the wood floors. I had no doubt in my mind that the castle would accept Niamh.It would give her a key any day now, and I wondered where on her body it would appear. I looked at my chest, where Niamh had traced my key with such wonder and delight, remembering how my body had responded, coming to life under her touch.
I banged my fist against the wall right next to the door, leaving an imprint that Morton would be horrified by, and let out a frustrated yell. If only I were good enough for her. If only I could be what she needed, what she deserved. But I was too fucking broken.
I reached for the door handle as it burst open. Niamh stood there, bosom heaving.
“Oh!” Her hands flew up to her chest.
From this close, I could see the dried tear streaks on her cheeks, her swollen eyelids, and red-rimmed eyes. I’d done that. I’d fucking done that, and I hated myself for it.
She hadn’t deserved my anger. If anything, she deserved my kindness. She deserved the truth, and I’d gone about it in completely the wrong way. Cillian’s words echoed in my mind:She has feelings for you, you idiot, and you broke her heart.
“What are you—” she started, and I grabbed her by her hips, pushing her up against the wall and crushing my mouth to hers.
She stiffened at first, and I worried that Cillian had read the situation wrong, that she wasn’t in love with me. But then she melted under my touch, her mouth opening, her lips eagerly responding to mine.
She brought her hands up around my neck and threaded them together, her fingers dancing over my skin. Prickles of heat erupted everywhere her fingers touched, every place her body pressed to mine. I would devour this woman, or maybe she’d devour me, and I’d gladly let her.
I lifted her leg, hand skimming up her silken skin until I was gripping her thigh and pinning it against my waist. She ground her pelvis against my stiffening cock, and it was the most glorious feeling I might’ve ever had in my life, her panties damp, her need for me evident. She was divine, and in this moment, I could let myself believe she was mine. All mine.
I kissed her harder, a feral growl escaping my lips as a soft moan escaped hers that I wanted to hear again and again and again. It was my favorite sound. So many new favorites constantly being discovered with Niamh Merridon.
“Wolfe, we need to talk,” she said between heavy breaths, still kissing me as she ran her tongue over my bottom lip, sending shockwaves through me.
Her words lingered between us, bringing me crashing down, the reality of them weighing heavy on me.We need to talk.
