I sighed – quietly, so as not to disturb him.
God, I wished this was real. That I could go to sleep like this next to him every night and wake up the same way every morning. I wished this trip was endless, that we’d never have to go home. For a moment I selfishly wished an avalanche would hitourhotel, just like it had when Ace was trapped with Xavi.
They hadn’t ended up together in the long term, either, though, had they?
And no matter how much I wanted it, I knew.
This was never going to be a long-term thing.
So if I couldn’t have him forever…
I could at least enjoy the now, and try to record every single moment of this in my brain to last me for the rest of my days.
Ace
I looked up and saw Brody coming towards the pool at last.
He looked pissed.
It was just for a split second before he turned and pasted a smile on his face for the others, but I saw it. He obviously thought I should have woken him up this morning so we could walk down to the pool together.
It wasn’t like he didn’t know where it was or that Keaton had scheduled time for us all to hang out there today. It wasn’t like he was a baby, incapable of getting somewhere on his own.
I’d wanted some time to myself – some time to try and think, even though that hadn’t really happened.
So why did I feel so guilty when he looked at me like that?
“You have to catch it when you get a chance,” Keaton said, and I nodded woodenly as if I’d been paying full attention to him telling me about yesterday’s film.
“Right,” I said. “I will.”
There was a pause. I watched Brody walk up to the water and slip into it, seemingly not even willing to pass by me. He started swimming a few determined laps, the muscles of his back moving as he surfaced into the light. I’d noticed the hickey I left on his shoulder, subtle enough in its positioning that the others probably thought it was just a bruise from paintball.
“You know,” Keaton said in a conversational tone. “You could just hang out with him.”
I blinked. “What?”
Keaton nodded at the water. “Your roommate. No one’s going to judge you for getting along with him. You don’t have to avoid him when we’re all together.”
“I don’t,” I frowned. “I’m just spending time with my actual friends.”
“Okay,” Keaton shrugged easily, nodding. He stood up, stretching lazily. “I’m going to get a drink.”
He left me alone with my thoughts. I could have got up and gone over to someone else – Taeho or Xavi, who looked like he’d slunk in during the early hours of the morning and was still recovering, or Cade. I could have gotten a drink myself. I could have done anything that would have distracted me, left me closed off again when Brody got out of the water.
I sat and watched him, shaking my hair out from behind my ears and letting it drift over the sides of my face.
Brody got out of the water, glistening with droplets that caught the sun, a few paces away from where I sat on my lounger. He shook his head like a big dog trying to dry his fur, then stretched all six feet or close of his gorgeous body, his hands high above his head. I remembered holding them there last night and had to look away.
Right at Cade and Aiden, who were sitting holding hands on the same lounger, cuddled up together like they were the happy couple this weekend and not Keaton and Olly. Aiden’s eyes were half-closed against the sun and Cade was tracing slow circles on his chest with one finger while they talked. It felt like an intimate moment I wasn’t supposed to see, but they weren’t shy. They were secure in their love for one another.
I glanced away. I was all too aware of Brody walking past me, heading for another lounger. At the opposite side of the pool were two couples, people we didn’t know who were staying at the hotel. They were straight, so it had to be easier for them, but they were laughing and smiling together. One of the men’s arms strayed around his girlfriend’s waist; the other planted an affectionate small kiss on his girl’s head. Easy. Free.
Happy.
Why couldn’t I let myself be like that?
I turned my head, pretending I was looking at the bar – but from the side of my sunglasses, I instead looked for Brody. He’d sat on his own, next to a couple of empty loungers. He was leaning back, his arms over his chest in the shade of a giant umbrella.
