Why couldn’t I be brave enough to live like them?
To be happy?
I stood up, for a second battling with my resolve. I thought about jumping in the pool like he had, pretending that was why I was getting up. But it wasn’t. And if I didn’t at least make this gesture now…
I walked over and sat down on the lounger next to him. As far as I could tell, Brody hadn’t even opened his eyes. I mirrored him, laying back in the shade. I folded my arms over my chest before I took a breath to speak.
“You looked peaceful,” I said. “I didn’t want to wake you.”
It wasn’t quite an apology. Actually, it was pretty fucking far from being one. I just hoped he wouldn’t ignore me completely.
Brody cleared his throat into the silence between us. “I guess I was pretty tired.”
That wasn’t quite forgiveness, either, but it was pretty fucking close. A weight lifted off my chest. I bit my lip to hold back a ridiculous smile.
“Feel better now?” I asked.
“Yeah. The swim shook out some of the kinks,” he said.
I glanced at his body without meaning to, all the way down to his tight trunks and beyond. “It’s too early for me,” I said, meaning the swim – because it was never too early for the other thing. I gestured at myself – I’d put on shorts and a t-shirt, with no intention at all of getting into the water.
“I thought it was for me, too,” Brody chuckled. “I just went in on a whim. Turns out it was actually pretty refreshing.”
I shook my head with a smile. “I’ll take your word for it.”
Brody lowered his voice. No one was near enough to hear us, anyway, but he shifted slightly closer toward me so his words didn’t have to carry. “Are you still feeling uncomfortable?”
What a loaded question. I knew he was talking about what I’d told him before – about being half-Asian and having everyone stare. Still. I had to pause for a moment and let my skin crawl at the mention of the elephant in the room. Uncomfortable, right now? Very.
“It’s not that,” I said with a shrug. “I just didn’t want to swim.”
“Okay,” Brody said quietly. I had no idea whether that meant he believed me and accepted what I had to say, or whether he was just… shutting up.
Silence, again. Even though the pool was loud with people splashing, and our friends were talking a few loungers away, it was like the most excruciating silence in the world. Keaton walked back past us with a brightly colored mocktail in his hand and a grin, making me scowl at him.
When he was gone, there was nothing else to distract me. Only the silence.
I had to break the silence.
“When I was a kid, I never would have imagined I’d be sitting somewhere like this, anyway,” I said, which was stupid and I regretted it immediately.
“Oh?” Brody asked. “Why not?”
Goddamnit. I’d just had to bring it up, hadn’t I? The one thing I really didn’t want to talk about. With anyone. Ever.
Although…
Somehow, all of a sudden, it was rushing out of me, and I didn’t even try to stop it.
“I was kind of an awkward kid,” I said. “Coming out and sitting by a pool with my friends like this, even getting in it the other day in front of everyone… I never would have done that.”
“I’m trying to picture you awkward, and I’m not getting there,” Brody said. I turned my head to look at him, to try to figure out if he was joking, but he just looked back at me from behind his sunglasses.
Somehow, the sunglasses made it easier.
I let my gaze drop down as I explained. “I was kind of overweight when I was younger,” I said. “Swimming in any capacity would have been a no-go. And even if I wasn’t, I was definitely not the kid who got invited to those kinds of things.”
I could feel Brody looking at me. For a long moment, he didn’t say anything. “I would have invited you,” he said softly, just when I thought he wasn’t going to respond at all.
