“Yes, but whowouldn’tafter being attacked multiple times and almost raped.”
Dr. Grace didn’t blink at Fiona’s words. She probably had heard it all. “What are your nightmares about?”
Fiona sunk back in her chair, staring down at her hands. “The man that tried to…” Fiona shuddered, unable to finish. She closed her eyes, remembering that moment as if it was yesterday. Being dragged through the jungle and thrown on her back. The man laughed at her pleas to let her go as he tried disrobing her.
“And you think those memories will just go away with time?”
“What is talking about it going to change?”
“Letting go,” Dr. Grace said matter-of-factly.“Help you move forward instead of staying in a loop.”
Fiona looked up at her.
“It was a traumatizing experience. I’m sure you felt helpless and scared. Wondering if someone would get to you in time or if they’d be too late.”
She had been scared and felt helpless. She had tried screaming forJoaquínbut her mouth had been covered. Fiona could still remember the smell of the dirt under her. The feel of sticks and rocks digging into her back. The smell of the man’s foul breath on her face, knowing there was nothing she could do to stop the man from violating her. She had been lucky Savannah had gotten to her in time. She was luckier than most victims.
“I was so scared I froze. Ididn’teven try to fight them; my body just froze in panic. Like everything shut down.” Fiona covered her face in shame.
“Is that what upsets you the most? Not fighting back?”
“I did nothing,” Fiona mumbled from behind her hands. “Ididn’teven try. I just let it happen.” Shehadn’tbeen able to defend herself from being drugged and photographed either. Shehadn’tbeen able to protect herself from a rapist. It was why she was now trying to train herself in self-defense. She was tired of being a victim. Of feeling helpless.
“It’s not your fault, Fiona. Everyone responds to situations differently.”
“Thatdoesn’tmake it any better.”
“Let it go.”
Fiona opened her fingers to see the doctor and glare at her. “It’s not that easy. I have to live with the memory of just lying there like a limp fish waiting for them to violate me.”
“Then take back control now,” Dr. Grace said, standing up. “Stand up,” she commanded.
Fiona thought she was crazy but did as told.
“I want you to say you are not a victim.”
“I am not a victim,” she repeated woodenly.
“What?” Dr. Grace cupped her ear, leaning forward. “Ican’thear you.”
“I am not a victim,” she said louder.
“I am strong,”Dr. Grace said loudly and proudly, with her arms splayed open.
“I am strong,” Fiona echoed.
“Now I want you to scream as loud as you can. Release all that pent-up anger. Release the pain and regret.”
Fiona screamed long and loud, doing as the doctor said. Releasing all her anger at herself for not fighting back, all the regrets. She let it all go and felt a weight leave her shoulders.
“Another.”
With every bellow she let out, she felt the claws of the past few weeks letting go. She was no longer that scared woman in the forest unable to fight back. She was no longer dependent on her family to keep her safe. Fiona was her own person, capable of making it on her own. Shedidn’tneed someone to save her because she could save herself.
“The next time you think youcan’tdo something or freeze, remember those words,” Dr. Grace said with a smile that Fiona returned.
“I am not a victim. I am strong,” Fiona repeated the mantra.
