Panic rose in my throat.
I croaked, ‘I – I’m not opening my own gym.’
Amy deflated and even Gen, who kept her emotions under close guard, looked a little disappointed.
‘I can’t,’ I laughed rustily.‘I’d never be able to run a business like you guys.I—’
Would I admit to it?Could I?My eyes landed on Kat, whose ADHD diagnosis later in life had shaken everything up, but she seemed to know herself better now.Why couldn’t I be that brave?Kat gave me a light frown and cocked her head, as if to say, ‘What’s up?’
I hated that she was so intuitive.If my cousin could be so honest about her diagnosis, maybe I could too?
I took a deep breath.Something about the water was soothing, so I concentrated on the way it rippled as I dragged my hands through it.
‘I have dyscalculia.I was diagnosed at school as a kid.It’s a problem processing numbers, of any kind really.I can’t tell the time.I can’t read a clock.I know it sounds stupid—’
‘It’s not stupid,’ I heard Kat murmur, and I gave her a soft smile, knowing she had battled these feelings too.
‘Even basic addition.Or counting coins.I just can’t.’ I let out a shaky laugh, the kind you make when you’re trying not to cry.‘And let’s say I could do it and, by some miracle, the numbers are right.I still manage to convince myself I’m wrong.’
The others stayed quiet.Listening.
‘Even with a calculator, I think I’ve messed it up somehow.Like I’ve pressed the wrong button or read the number backwards.Sixes and eights blur together.Twos and fours swap places.Everything just… gets mixed up.’ I dragged a hand through my damp hair.‘So I get anxious.Really anxious.Like, heart-racing, can’t-breathe anxious.I know that if I ran my own business, I’d wake up at three o’clock in the morning, convinced I’ve got something wrong.Something basic.Like I’ve invoiced someone for the wrong amount or scheduled a class at the wrong time.’ I swallowed.‘And maybe no one else would notice.Or care.But I would.I always do.’
Claire placed down her book, bringing her legs to sit up.Amy and Gen floated a little closer, as if they wanted me to know they were there if I needed them.
‘Does anyone else know?’ Kat asked.‘I didn’t really tell many people about my diagnosis.’
‘Mum and Dad.And Ren,’ I said, my voice breaking at the mention of his name.‘He was pretty good at school, so he used to help me with my maths homework.’
‘Ren was good at maths?’ Kat’s eyebrows shot up.‘Wow!’
‘Yes!’ I snapped.‘He was a lot smarter than anyone gave him credit for.’
My face burned when I realised I had come to the defence of a man I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as.
‘Lydia, I’m sorry.I didn’t mean—’ Kat brought her hands up to her face.‘I can’t believe I just said that.I’m sorry.’
‘It’s okay, it’s okay.’ I waved a hand.‘You didn’t mean it.’
It was hard to stay mad at my cousin.She was so… herself.I was envious of the way she moved around in her body, with an air of confidence I don’t think she realised she had, and the way she said what she thought.Even if it got her into trouble.I was always trying to keep myself back.
‘I was terrible at school,’ Kat explained.‘I guess I just presume everyone else hated it too.But that comment was ignorant.’
‘Well,’ I shot her a wry smile.‘I was the same, Cuz.At least when it came to the numbers.’
Kat’s smile was tilted and knowing, like she was happy to have me in her exclusive club.
‘So I can’t open my own gym.’ I turned back to Amy.‘And I’m yet to get a job.And I have rent to pay on my apartment, so it looks like I might need to move back in with Mum and Dad and, as much as I love them, they will drive me insane.So, in conclusion, no job, no girlfriend, no place to live.’
I gave a hysterical laugh, but it was sharp and jagged.
All I could hear was the drip, drip, drip of water.
Claire clapped her hands.‘Right!Only one solution.You’re coming with me on the “Wild Women Walk”trip this week.’
I blinked.‘Claire…’
I didn’t want to be surrounded by strangers, exposed to the elements like some kind of Victorian orphan.Torn away from my sofa, my sanctuary, and the deliciously bi-panic-inducing combo of McDreamy and Dr Addison Montgomery.
