The love Ma once had for me couldn’t be read. She looked at me like the enemy. Always have since choosing the streets and ring. I tried making her understand my position, but she switched up on me and hadn’t turned back since.
“Now I told you to stay away from him. You keep on pushing it.”
“Ma, he picked–”
Her arms shot up. “I don’t give a damn what he did.”
“It’s Pop’s birthday, Ma. Court wanted to spend time together,” Maleek explained. And it was as if it the words took her by surprise because the lump she swallowed in her throat caused tears, or maybe it’s what the day meant.
I wonder how often she cried for me.
“Maleek, go in the house.”
Maleek dropped his head, bookbag dangling by his leg, shoulders slump.
“See you later, Court.”
It fucked me up seeing him like that. It always did. That’s why I made it a mission to keep it light and stay out the mix with Ma. I couldn’t keep putting him through this shit.
“Aye, pick yo’ head up. We gon’ be aiight, hear me?”
He slowly turned his head.
“Aye!” I called out.
“I hear you. Love you, Court.”
“I love you too. Gon’ inside.”
“You’re so fucking selfish.” She pointed to the door. “You don’t know the pain you cause that boy every time you defy me.”
“Defy you? I’m a grown ass man, Ma.”
“That’s my son. Now, you can do whatever you want with your life, but don’t you dare keep coming around here taking my child.”
“I…”
“You think I don’t know about all the times you’ve been sneaking by here and taking him away? I know every thing.”
“Since you know shit then, did you even fuckin’ remember it’s Pop’s birthday?”
SMACK!
Her hand left my cheek before I realized what was happening. I tucked my lips in with my fists balled because it took everything in me not to knock her ass out.
“You think I don’t remember the man I gave decades to? Huh? I know what the hell today is.” She paused. “You think because you drive his truck and followed in his footsteps that you’re him? You can’t raise my son.”
“I’m trying to be there for my bro. That’s it.”
“I came home to grieve in peace and there you go disturbing it again. Stay away from my boy, Courtland. This isn’t the ring or the streets. I meant what I said. Final warning,” she argued and walked away.
I’ve hurt mothafuckas for less. My mama’s done shit to me that made niggas in the streets push daisies. I already lost Pops, her, but I didn’t want to lose Maleek so I had to keep taking this shit on the chin. That hurt should’ve been numb, but it wasn’t.
Iwatched the large wheels of Betsy, the Pearl White Tahoe that belonged to my late husband, roll away from the driveway. The polished pain caught the evening’s reflection like the mirror of life that once filled this home.
Betsy held so many memories for us, for our family. I had given it to Courtland for his sixteenth birthday because I couldn’t bear to keep it knowing it was the last thing Andre had taken part in. He died alongside it. That was a core memory I tried doing without.
But seeing him drive away in her made my chest tighten. It was a revelation that Andre wasn’t coming back. It’s been over fourteen years and I thought running from the pain helped, but there’s always a reminder. This part never gets easier.
