She pushes me back delicately as I rest my hands on the mattress. She unbuttons my shirt as I hold my breath and fight my impulse to grab her and throw her down on the bed and consume every inch of her body with my lips.
She lets the shirt fall from my shoulders and gently caresses my skin and a shiver runs down my spine. She takes it off and throws it on the floor. Then she gets lower down and takes my shoes and socks off before asking me to get up to take the pants off too. She takes me by the hand and brings me to the bathroom in my room. She turns on the water in the shower and waits for it to be the right temperature, then slides my boxers down. When they get to my feet, I kick them off. She makes me get into the shower and then asks me to wait a minute.
I stand there, naked, uncovered and vulnerable as I watch her do these gestures with infinite sweetness and I ask myself if it could be pity that moves her so.
I must seem pathetic to her.
As the water runs over me and helps clear my thoughts, Ciara unzips her dress, letting it slide to the floor. Under it, she’s only wearing a thong which is tiny and transparent and I’m forced to swallow hard this desire to have her here in the shower. To love her perfect body and that immense heart tonight and all the nights of my life to come.
She slips off the thong and lets her hair down letting colorful waves fall over her nude shoulders. Then, full of confidence, she walks over to the stereo that’s been gathering dust and she grabs a CD from the pile and leaves the volume on low. It’s a sweet melody like a lullaby to cradle us in this tender, delicate moment, even if we are both completely naked, even if she comes into my shower, touching her body to mine, making me risk coming just because of all this heat.
Even if my desire for her is painful and heartbreaking, this moment right now has nothing to do with sex or passion. This moment is only ours and no one can ever take it away.
The moment when Ciara rubs her soapy hands over my muscles, my chest. The moment she massages my head and helps me relax and feel lighter, makes me feel loved.
As if the only thing she cares about in this moment is me.
Is it really possible for a girl this young and beautiful, so sunny and full of life, to have fallen in love with me?
The water turns off and it’s with great difficulty that I try to think clearly.
“Ciara…”
“Shh!” she hushes me with a finger to her lips.
She gets out of the shower, dripping water everywhere while she looks for a towel to wrap me in.
She’s strong, confidant. She’s a wonderful woman, absolutely perfect.
And what am I?
A weak coward. A man who is damaged, body and soul.
She wraps the towel around me and as she’s trying to keep me warm she shakes like a leaf. I open the towel and wrap her up with me in my arms and my heart, which I had feared lost forever in a black hole, starts beating strongly to remind me what I feel for this woman… God, it’s love.
We stay embraced like that for a while in silence, both wrapped up in the same towel, counting out heartbeats and breaths. Then I break away from her and wrap the towel around just her because I no longer need it. There is no other warmth I want to feel other than her body. I take her hand and bring her to my room. I sit on the bed and pull her to me and make her sit on my legs and breathe in her scent which is the only air I want in my lungs by now. Then I take off the towel and lay her by my side. We get under the covers and I hold her as tight as I can. Her head is up against my chest and I kiss her hair and take in her scent, breathing in so deeply without a pain in my chest.
After such a long time, I find myself touching a woman’s body, this woman, who is able to wake something dormant in me, to open my eyes and my mind and make me question my way of living until now.
The words coming from the stereo left on in the bathroom are the only ones I can hear.
What if you stay and… Break your plans tonight… Lay your hand in mine… There’s no guarantee we’ll make it, make this thing right… But break your plans for me tonight.
This night needs nothing else. I don’t want to think about anything other than her hands entwined in my heart. I don’t need words, promises or comfort.
All I need is the heat from this embrace and the understanding it brings. There is no magic formula to make this all work out the right way.
It’s not possible to choose who you love and how to love them.
I’m learning it first-hand right now.
I’m learning it thanks to her.
We fall into love, we roll around in it, then we get up and fall back down again. And every time we fall, it’s more devastating than the time before. We carry the marks it leaves on our souls and our skin for all the rest of our lives.
But that’s no reason to stop trying.
Because without love, what the devil are we? What I have I been all these years?
I should have understood that once I crossed that line that it would be impossible to go back to how things were before.
We’re no longer talking about Patrick’s sister. We’re not talking about a simple friendship.
Now, we’re talking about the woman that I love.
I was bent and damaged but from the cracks in my heart, the light has managed to penetrate.
And there’s no way to darken that light now.
