Absolutely not. No, no, no.
“What are you trying to do, Ciara?”
“We came here together, remember?”
“That doesn’t mean that we’re leaving together.”
“Abandoned at the end of the night by the person charged with accompanying me. Huh, that’s never happened before.”
“You should go home with your family.”
“The car’s full.”
“Fine. Then I’ll take you to them.”
“Aaron—”
“You are not coming home with me.”
“I am my brother’s guest.”
“And he won’t be home tonight. No one is sleeping at home tonight, just me.”
“It’s not a problem for me.”
“Well it is for me.”
Ciara whips round to look me in the eyes. Her face is covered in disappointment and suffering. I’ve hurt her again but it’s all I can do. Hurt her, humiliate her if necessary. I have to do anything so as not to let her get close.
“All my stuff is there.”
“You can do without it for one night.”
“Why are you being so tough with me? Are you punishing me, by any chance?”
My God, am I?
“No Ciara.” I exhale tightly, gripping the steering wheel. “I didn’t want to hurt you, I’m sorry. I’m just trying to—”
“Keep your distance from me, I got it. I’m not a jackass.”
“I never thought you were.”
“Well,of course not.You just think I’m a little girl.”
“You know I didn’t mean it when I said that. I was just trying to keep you safe.”
“Safe? From what?”
I sigh before gathering my courage to look at her and tell her what I feel, because she deserves the truth and not these flimsy excuses.
“From me. I’m trying to protect you from me.”
I turn to face her completely and take one of her hands in mine. I understand immediately that I should not have done that—just making contact with her skin weakens my resolve, something that I really need right now.
“You can’t come into my life. You can’t feel certain things for me.”
“Because I’m young and immature?”
“No, not for that reason. You are young and that’s a fact. You have your whole life ahead of you. I’m thirty-four and have reached a point of no return. I am empty, depressed and harmful. I’m harmful for you.”
“Aaron…” She tries to touch my face but I pull back. She is frozen with her hand in midair before closing it into a fist and letting it fall to her lap.
“I am not good for you, don’t you understand that?” I go on desperately. “I’m a mess, my life is a total failure and you… you can’t have a part of this. Not now, not in the future.”
All I hear after my words is the sound of the car door slamming and the scream of my heart begging the love of my life to come back and not to abandon me.
