17
CIARA
I close the car door behind me and walk away quickly. All that I feel, other than a big pain in my chest, are the tears that fall, burning my face.
I go back to the hotel to ask them to call me a taxi to go back to my family’s house. No one is left hanging around and I don’t want to bother anyone to ask for a ride. I’ll get my things tomorrow, or maybe I’ll just forget about them.
The wait is short, less than ten minutes. I get in the car and tell the driver the address and flop in the back seat with profound sadness. I look out the window as we drive away from this dream place that bore witness to so much love and happiness today. I think back to their smiles and the way they looked at each other, I think back to that song:
All I want is nothing more… To hear you knocking at my door…
I sit up straight in the seat.
I cannot throw in the towel like this.
He needs me.
I will not abandon him.
•••
The taxi driver leaves me in front of their gate before the house. They always leave it open.
I go to the door, hesitating and terrorized because I don’t know how he’s going to take my just showing up here. All the lights are off, even the ones in his room. I knock at the door. I have Erin’s keys with me but I put them in my purse before leaving and I don’t want to use them. I don’t want to invade his privacy and impose my presence if he really doesn’t want me here.
I knock again. I keep my ear to the door and all I hear is a big fat silence.
I’m about to turn around and go when I hear something, like a cry, a sob.
Shit.
I dig in my purse for the key. I slide it in the door and open it briskly. The darkness swallows me, as does a sensation of desolation and solitude. I enter the kitchen and go around the worktop to find him curled up on the floor with a bottle in his hands and a bunch of pills all over the floor.
I approach him calmly even if I’m terrified inside. I kneel down and start to pick up the pills strewn on the floor. I put them back in the bottle and read the label: sedatives.
“I didn’t take any, in case you were wondering,” he says in a whisper.
I let my breath go and relax a bit.
“You shouldn’t be here. This is the last place you should be, Ciara.”
“This is the only place I want to be,” I say with decision.
He looks at me for a second before returning his gaze to the emptiness before him.
“You were so beautiful today,” he whispers.
“What’s that?”
“I would have told you right away, as soon as I saw you on the stairs but I lost my nerve because that’s what happens when you’re around me. I lose control. You were the prettiest of all of them. And you know why? Because you shine. And the light you emit is so marvelous that I’m almost afraid to touch it. But I, Ciara, am not afraid to touch it. My only fear is not to be able to do without it once I have. Can you understand me?”
I caress his face and this time he doesn’t flinch. Rather, he closes his eyes as if he were trying to commit to memory what this touch feels like.
“You know, once upon a time, I used to be a musician, but you already knew that.” He smiles bitterly. “I had fantastic friends, a sister I adored, my music and a woman.”
I swallow hard.
“I’m not like your brother, I’ve never looked for easy sex, distractions and the like. My music and my friends and her… that was enough for me. But then there was the car accident. We lost everything and Rain needed me. And I… I let her go. She wanted everything. Me, a family, our own house, a life together.”
