16
CIARA
When he grabs me tighter, pulling me closer to his hot body, I lose myself completely in him.
I lift my eyes and meet his and I swear I can read it all. His eyes are wide, alive and… dreamy.
Heis dreaming aboutme.
Then he closes them and rests his forehead against mine, sighing right in my face. It’s a heartbreaking, sigh full of suffering and it makes me realize how hard he is fighting between his desire to let himself go with me and the one to distance himself from me forever.
And, by the way he’s holding me, sweet and at the same time desperate, I understand that he feels everything, everything that’s swirling around his heart. I know he’s just a step away from giving in and letting me in.
He bites his lip forcefully as if he is trying to hold back with all his might, as if he is fighting against something bigger than him that is struggling to make its way to the light of day. It’s something that terrorizes him to death and that he’s not used to dealing with. Something he’s not able to control and Aaron doesn’t like feeling that way, being a slave to his emotions.
The song ends, three intense minutes suffered on the dance floor, where hope returns to take me for a spin, this hope that is insistent and ingenuous; but the second the last note sounds and everyone stops playing, Aaron steps away from me, immediately, as if my presence provoked an unbearable pain in him, very similar to the one I feel as he turns his back on me and walks away from the dance floor, leaving me alone and vulnerable with my nerves bare and raw and feeling as if I have an incurable wound on my skin.
I watch him walk away quickly and I lower my head, afraid of showing my pain to the others which I am unable to hide now. I walk away too with my head down, feeling short of breath and I sit down at our table. Rain comes to me, discreetly as she usually does, and sits close by, taking my hand and lovingly squeezing my fingers. I lift my eyes just slightly and smile at her, thankful for her compassion.
“You have to understand him,” she whispers, resting her head next to mine. “He’s not good at these things. He feels like a fish out of water. He hadn’t planned on that.”
“What hadn’t he planned on?”
“You,” she says, smiling tenderly.
I look at her doubtfully.
“You weren’t in his plans, Ciara. Aaron isn’t good with things that upset the balance, change the cards on the table. Unpredictability. He is used to everything being calculated, all detailed and he’s not used to being out of control. He’s not ready.”
“I guess he never will be,” I say, drinking a sip of wine to relax.
“Don’t be so sure. Put your faith in him and you’ll see he’ll come around.”
I’m not sure at all about that and I’m not sure I want to go on waiting. My heart certainly doesn’t want to give him up.
I turn my head and see Erin and Patrick still entwined on the dance floor and I sigh in resignation.
I wish I could have what they have, to feel the love of someone next to me, to feel loved even half as much as the way Patrick loves Erin.
But I’m starting to think that Aaron really will never be ready to take the leap and this sentiment I insist that I see in his eyes is just the fruit of my imagination.
Just another one of my dreams.
Even if I’m not ready to wake up yet.
—
AARON
I get in the car after the reception, which seems like it went on forever. The other guys are sleeping in a hotel. They want a night out, and who could blame them. I don’t have a reason to stay out and no one to share this night with.
Not tonight, not ever.
I turn the car’s engine on ready to leave the car par when the passenger side door opens and Ciara gets in and sits down beside me and shuts it.
“What are you doing here?” I ask her.
“I need a lift.”
