“Are you asking me for a list of reasons?”
“Can’t you just allow yourself to let go of what you’ve got a death grip on?”
“And what if I really did? What would happen? If I lower my guard, if—”
“Whatever happens, Aaron, you know that we’ll make it. Together. But you, my friend, are alone, and you…”
“What? What, Jay?”
“You have a desperate need to be loved.”
“I have you.”
“You are intentionally misunderstanding me.”
“No one… No one is able to love someone like me.”
“How come? What’s so terrible about you?”
“That train has already left the station for me.”
“If you are referring to—”
“Don’t say her name.”
“Alright, if it makes you feel better, I won’t. But hiding isn’t going to help you.”
I look at him sideways as he starts down a winding path full of potholes. I could bury him there if he doesn’t stop digging up the past.
“Years have passed.”
“The situation hasn’t changed. Or rather, it has changed, for the worse.”
“She’s not like the others. She would never go away.”
“Do you think I don’t know that?” I yell, getting to my feet. “Do you think it hasn’t dawned on me? I’ve known her forever, I’m fully aware of how wonderful she is and that’s just the reason that she should keep away from me.”
“Aaron—”
“No, Jay. I don’t have anything else to add.”
“Give yourself this chance.”
“I can’t,” I whisper. “I can’t do that to her.”
“You’re not doing it to her, my friend. You’re doing it to yourself. The only person you’re making suffer is yourself.”
“It’s better like that. I can take it.”
“No one can.”
“I don’t have any other choice,” I conclude before walking away from the table, from Jay and his words that only serve to dig up what shouldn’t be brought to light.
I am alone. I have been left alone. I must remain alone. I don’t have the courage or the energy to risk it all.
To lose it all.
I can’t bear losing her.
