14
CIARA
We get into the car in silent embarrassment. Aaron helps me in, offering his hand and adjusting my dress. I smile at him in thanks but I’m not able to say anything.
Then we spend thirty minutes in the car without saying a word, almost without breathing, in fear that any sounds in doing so would reveal the emotions each of us is trying to hide away from ourselves.
I saw it in his eyes. It was there. It wasn’t just in response to the way I looked: my gown, the hair… It was something more than that, deeper, more intimate and utterly undeniable.
And he must have seen in me all of the thoughts that torment my mind and my heart because I don’t think I’m able to hide it that well. I realize of course that I’m going to have to try because everyone will be there, all of the families and friends and I wouldn’t want to create a diplomatic scene at my brother’s wedding.
We park in a spot that has been reserved for us. It’s a beautiful place. There’s a hotel immersed in the green hillside of Meath, far from the city, and the chaos of the world. We are surrounded by green manicured gardens and trees in bloom festooned with long heavy branches where the light struggles to pass through. Let it struggle, I think, for it never normally has the courage to come out, but today is different. I’m sure the sunlight came out for Erin, certainly not for that jerk of a brother of mine.
Liam accompanies me to the room on the first floor where Erin is waiting for her moment to make her entrance. Rain and Alex are in a sea of tears while Erin is smiling excitedly.
I go to her and she takes my hands in hers. She studies them a moment and when she realizes there’s still a dab of paint-stain there she lets out a little smile. I turn red and lower my head but she grabs my chin with her fingers and lifts it.
“Don’t do that, Ciara. Don’t ever lower your head. You are beautiful and one of a kind, and don’t you forget it.”
“You’re the one who is one of a kind, Erin,” I tell her with tears that threaten to spill over and ruin my make-up. “How do you manage it? How are you so calm when we’re all freaking out here? Why are you not in a panic?”
She smiles. “I always wanted to have a big family, you know. And Patrick is making all of my dreams come true. Now I’ve got these people around me and they love me, and it’s all due to him. I’m just happy.”
She hugs me affectionately before someone interrupts us.
“Are you ready?” her father asks sweetly.
She takes a breath and nods.
We adjust her dress and we look ourselves over and precede her downstairs.
The ceremony will be outside in the garden of the hotel under a special marquee that’s been put up for the occasion. A white carpet delineates the path we will walk before arriving at an arch covered in pink flowers, where the celebrant is anxiously waiting.
Patrick is already there next to him. He keeps running his hand nervously over his shaved head, overwhelmed with emotion. Liam, Jay and Aaron are waiting at the beginning of the walk to lead us to the altar.
Liam and Rain go first. The guests, who are seated on white chairs with pink ribbons, come to their feet ecstatically to admire them: they make a splendid couple.
Alex and Jay follow close behind them. Alex is even more emotional than Rain is. She’s very sensitive and she’s happy for the bride and groom. Jay leans over and kisses her face, concerned and loving as always and my heart feels a pang.
“Ready?” Aaron smiles at me, and I can tell he’s a bit shaky too. He hasn’t stopped fidgeting with his tie for one second.
I take the hand that he keeps touching his throat with and I squeeze it in mine. He looks at me in surprise and I smile and say, “Relax, it’s going to go well.”
He inhales and nods gratefully then takes my arm and we begin walking.
I smile at my mother who is shedding tears like a fountain and who is next to Erin’s mother with Lily on her lap. The child is adorable in her matching pink dress.
As we stand before the altar Aaron takes my hand and kisses it lightly, burning my skin. He looks at me with such vividness that it’s hard for me to break away and take my place with the other girls.
When Erin makes her entrance, there is an audible level of murmuring and crying and all eyes are on her, her smile and her pride. I, on the other hand, look at my brother, who is crying like I’ve never seen a man cry in my life and Aaron keeps a soothing hand on his shoulder.
I’m able to follow very little of the actual ceremony, as I am enraptured by the sight of Erin and Patrick, who look each other in the eyes and promise one another eternal love and I believe it because they do love each other truly and completely and nothing could make them doubt what they feel for each other.
I let my eyes slide over Aaron for a minute in time to catch him looking at me and something inside me turns on. He’s looking at me like he never has done before. It’s not anxiety, nor anguish or even desire. It’s something more, something that comes from his soul and that pulls me in like a hurricane, leaving me breathless and with nowhere to go.
I return his gaze and maintain that unexpected contact that I’ve dreamt of. Neither of us is able to break away. No one wants to renounce their need to stay just as we are.
And I understand that all this man needs is someone to love him and protect him, just as he’s always done with everyone else.
