No. It can’t be like this.
I can’t have gone this crazy.
And as if that weren’t enough, I had another breakdown. A panic attack, she says. Maybe that’s really what it is. I am too stressed out and perhaps this is why I am completely out of control. I need to calm down before I really do some damage, before I keep trampling all over her heart without caring.
I leave the bathroom after a few minutes but I’m not able to go back out there. I can’t face seeing her with him.
And what if he kisses her? What if he touches her? My God, what if he takes her home with him?
The idea of her with him or any other damn jackass sends me right back into the same panic, so much so that I have to hold myself up against the wall because my legs will not support me at this point.
“Hey,” Jay says, coming towards me. “What’s happened to you?”
“I’m fine.”
“Doesn’t look like it, my friend.”
“Get off my ass, Jay!”
“Don’t take it out on me, now. You created this trouble for yourself.”
“There you guys are! We’re ready to go.” Patrick’s voice interrupts us.
Go?Crap, I forgot. This godforsaken stag party.
“I’ll wait for you guys outside,” I say, heading out the back door.
I could never walk across the room and face seeing them together again because this time, I wouldn’t be able to limit myself to sneering and threatening words. This time I would throw her over my shoulder like a damned caveman and I’d bring her away with me, in my house, in my room, in my bed.
And I wouldn’t let her leave again.
•••
Just to shake things up, we’ve decided to go to a pub. Okay, it’s not a dive like ours is, it’s a club in the city around Temple Bar, where they play live music all night.
“Don’t you think we’re exaggerating?” Jay says with a raised eyebrow.
“Wasn’t this the whole point?”
I’m not in the mood to celebrate anything, to give Patrick a heartfelt slap on the back or make fun of him because he’s going to be tied down. My morale is in the toilet right now and my head is full of dark, distorted thoughts and I have a heart that won’t stop pounding against my ribs.
I need something to shake me up, something strong and mind-boggling, but all the alcohol in this world wouldn’t be enough to erase that scene from my mind. The same holds true for all the drugs in this world put together.
And I hope you’re thinking of me… As you lay down on your side… Now the drugs don’t work… They just make you worse… But I know I’ll see your face again.
I break out laughing, one of those hysterical, senseless outbursts. I laugh at the song which is making fun of me, I laugh at my own obsession, I laugh at my own weak heart.
It’s amazing how music always has the ability to shadow your mood. There’s a perfect song for every moment in life.
This is mine.
Fucking band, I hope they burn in hell.
Now the drugs don’t work… They just make you worse… But I know I’ll see your face again.
The only thing I wanted to do tonight was to fall into a drunken stupor and possibly lose my senses, but it seems that I’m getting just the opposite experience. Instead of forgetting about her, it feels like I’ve got her right here, in front of my eyes.
I see her painting with her whole body. I see her laughing till it hurts. I see her as she’s dancing in the pub or hitting out at her brother to knock some sense into him. I see her as she watches me, and while hiding herself she blushes at my words. I can see her the moment before her lips touch mine… I see her and I can almost feel her too—to feel that light and delicate touch that awakes every emotion and desire in me.
