“Somebody’s pensive tonight,” Patrick says, making fun of me and the only reason I don’t punch him on the nose is because he has to marry Erin and she’d be upset about it. “I was just thinking… By now, you’re the only one of us left.”
I look at him sideways.
“Well, yeah… you need to find a woman.”
A woman?He doesn’t even know what he’s talking about.
My God, if only he did know.
“How long has it been since you’ve—”
“It’s none of your fucking business.” I stop him short.
“Oh, come on, it’s just us, you can tell me.”
“Maybe I just don’t feel like it.”
“Have you at least… uh, you know, improved things in the last few weeks?”
Weeks?Jesus, he has no idea of the situation I’m going through.
“We haven’t seen anyone hanging around lately.”
“Well that doesn’t mean that there hasn’t been anyone.”
“Well then, has there? Do you have someone?” he persists.
“Why don’t you concentrate on the fact that you’ll be getting married in a few hours and you’ll never sleep with another woman again?”
By this point, I’m slurring.
“Who told you that’s a bad thing? I’ve found the best woman in the world, so I couldn’t even think about being with someone else.”
Oh, that’s perfect. Just what I needed, a lesson about eternal love.
“How long?” Jay asks, suddenly interested in our conversation.
“How long, what?”
“How long has it been since you’ve been with someone.”
“You all know that I don’t have relationships.”
“What Jay the Puritan is trying to ascertain is how long it’s been since you’ve been laid,” Patrick helps to clarify things.
How long has it been since I’ve been with a woman?
I choke on my own saliva.
“Gather up your courage and spit it out, my friend. What is it, a few weeks?” Patrick asks.
I don’t look at them, I’m not able to.
“Months?” Liam dares.
I keep on looking at my empty glass in a silence that falls over us and exposes me at the table as the odd one out.
“Not years?” Patrick blurts. He jumps to his feet. “You haven’t been laid in a year?” he yells so loudly that people at the other tables can hear.
