What the hell is happening to me?
I’m breaking out in a cold sweat and I’m losing focus. I try to swallow but it seems like the saliva is getting stuck in my throat which is locked up. I jump to my feet, knocking over the stool but no one takes notice.
No one ever takes notice of me.
I head upstairs before whatever it is that’s rising in my throat is able to strangle me, and I go to my bedroom, closing the door behind me and leaning up against it with my back. I try breathing, but there doesn’t seem to be enough oxygen in this damned room.
So, I go to the window and open it and climb right through onto the roof, with a bit too much enthusiasm, forgetting momentarily that I’m on the second floor and I’m almost risking falling down.
That really would be the icing on the cake.
I rest my hands on my knees and bend over, trying to draw in big gulps of air to fill my lungs, air that is possibly uncontaminated with other people’s happiness.
I need a minute. I tell myself to stay outside and look at the sky by myself—away from the laughter and the chaos and the lives of others.
Breathe. Get control back.
I try to straighten myself out slowly so that I don’t get dizzy, when I feel a presence behind me. I have no idea what it might be. No one ever notices my absence and I don’t feel like turning around to send to hell whoever it was that came into my room without knocking first.
But then a hand reaches out to touch me and her warm voice provokes a shiver along my spine.
I recognize the voice even through the mental confusion I’m feeling right now.
What the hell is she doing here?
I turn to meet her eyes which are sweet, understanding and full of worry. I continue looking at her as my vision slowly comes back into focus and my muscles begin to relax. I swallow a few times and it would appear that my faculties are returning to normal but I am not able to free myself from this oppressive sense of anguish pushing down on my chest. I go on breathing slowly but it seems like I’m just gulping, like a fish out of his aquarium, flopping around on the rug in search of water. I’m feeling scared and vulnerable and that is not like me at all.
This confusion that is assaulting my senses without mercy leads me to do something I never would have dreamt of: I abandon myself in her arms.
And it’s an indescribable feeling, it wraps me up, calms me down, but it’s dangerously destructive.
And yet, I let my head fall on her shoulder and breathe in the scent of her skin, mixed together with the biting cold of the night air and the smell of the alcohol she’s drunk tonight. It’s a cocktail that goes straight to my head, confusing and destabilizing me, making me more confused than I already was.
And I should absolutely not be feeling this way, I should not let my guard down and allow anyone to see me in this state, to catch me out of control like this.
Despite the confusion of the moment and the choking need to breathe her in, I have to remind myself that I cannot allow anyone else to get so close to me, to touch me, even by mistake. But I’m feeling weak now and terribly tired and I have this inexplicable sensation, as if she is the only thing I am able to fill my lungs with.
I permit myself to stay in her arms which are squeezing me and holding on to me, for just enough time to help calm me down and understand what the hell is happening to me.
Just this once.
I can let myself go just this once.
One damned time.
