1
CIARA
I’m sitting on a rocking chair cuddling Lily, who was woken up by all of the ruckus downstairs. I enjoy holding her in my arms and breathing in that talcum powder and that purity that differentiates her from the rest of us, letting myself be wrapped up in the tenderness that only a small defenseless child like her can transmit. But then she’s my niece, the gleam in my eye and the single best thing that’s happened to my family in recent years.
She and Erin, obviously.
That idiot of a brother of mine finally decided to settle down and marry that fantastic girl that blew into his life like a breath of fresh air, and dragged him under with her sweetness and her love, so that even someone with a heart of stone like my brother didn’t stand a chance.
I am thankful that Erin is in his life every day and for this gift from heaven that God has given us in Lily. She’s brought hope and happiness to all of our lives.
I give her a gentle kiss on her forehead and stand up, careful not to wake her. I lay her down in the crib and make sure the monitor is on. I take a few more minutes just to watch her resting blissfully before taking a big breath and returning downstairs where a family party is under way for my brother’s upcoming wedding.
I’m going to be one of the bridesmaids, and I’m not thrilled about it, especially since Erin has chosen these formal pink gowns for us, which are not at all my style. But, it’s her day and I made a promise that I’d leave my sneakers at home for once.
I go down the stairs and find myself in the living room where everyone is drinking, laughing and generally having a good time. I pour myself a glass of white wine and take a minute to look over my wonderful extended family.
They’re all here.
All of them excepthim.
I would notice his absence even if I were blind.
I walk around the downstairs rooms and check out the garden at the back. Nothing. It seems like he’s just disappeared. So, I decide to go back upstairs and hesitate outside his bedroom door. I knock, but there’s no answer. I summon up my courage and push the door open with two hands. The room is immersed in the darkness but the window is open. I slowly approach and pop my head out over the windowsill in time to see him on the roof, bent over double, taking in big breaths of air. He’s been acting strangely all night. He seems so lost, so alone. Almost unhappy. And I know that’s not like him.
I’ve known him my whole life. He and Patrick have been friends for I don’t even know how long but I do know for sure that I’ve got memories of him being in our house when I was a little girl. It’s true that life has not been kind to him in the last few years but he’s always been a strong man, ready to help anyone, including me. How many times did I count on it when I had some trouble at school when some jackass was bothering me, or when I needed to get rid of an admirer that was too insistent? On some occasions, asking Patrick was risky because of what a hothead he was, so I normally preferred going to Aaron, who always knew how to get to the bottom of things without shedding any blood.
I decide to give it a try, to climb through the window onto the roof and approach him with discretion. He doesn’t seem to be aware of my presence and I don’t want to scare him off the roof, so I very gently touch his shoulder to let him know I’m there. He winces and straightens up, getting dangerously close to the edge. He is scared and highly alert as if he is afraid that I might come closer.
“Aaron,” I call him quietly, trying to be sweet and careful, although I must confess that this scene unfolding before me now has me frightened. He doesn’t answer and continues staring at me with that lost expression, probably wondering what the heck I’m doing here. Then, something changes, as if he just woke up from a daydream and he starts panting, raising his hand to his chest. I am scared now, I’ll admit it. I have never seen anyone in this condition before. I’ve never seen him like this.
And then something I never would have expected happens. Aaron comes to me and hugs me, in search of comfort. I am paralyzed for a few seconds, unsure how to proceed. Should I hug him back? Ask him what’s wrong? Then I tell myself that this is Aaron, my brother’s best friend and a constant presence in my life, for my whole life. And so I hug his muscular body and he abandons himself into my arms. I rub my hand in his hair and tell him everything is going to be alright even if I have no idea what it is I’m saying. I have no idea what’s got him so upset. I let him relax in my arms on this rooftop under the discreet observation of the stars that are shining more prominently than usual tonight.
And I almost want to cry for him because his breakdown is not something I’m used to seeing and the sadness in his eyes is like a punch in the stomach that makes it hard to breathe.
—
AARON
I’m sitting at the kitchen counter by myself with the last cup of coffee of the day in my hands. All the others are in the living room. The girls organized a pre-wedding dinner celebration tonight. Patrick and Erin are getting married in a few days and it seems like every moment is the right moment to celebrate.
It’s already two o’clock in the morning and it seems like no one’s ready to put this thing to bed yet. The families of the future bride and groom have been invited and Patrick’s mother brought enough food for a regiment and that’s a good thing because if we had prepared it, we all would have ended up in the hospital.
Erin’s mother flew in today from America for her daughter’s wedding and so we all ate together.
It was pure torture.
I can’t stand it. I cannot tolerate all of this happiness around me—happiness that can’t touch me with a ten-foot pole. It’s not that I’m not happy for them, Patrick’s been my best friend since we were kids and Erin is a good girl… it’s just everyone around me is living so much in this bubble of happiness that they’ve forgotten the trouble we’ve been in up until yesterday. They’ve let themselves give in to all this euphoria and joy.
All of them except me, that is.
I sigh and look at the clock on the wall again, and the hands are moving too slowly for my taste. I just want to get to the end of this day, close myself up in my room and fall into the silence.
Patrick kisses Erin on the lips and smiles in a way that’s hard for me to understand. Alex is sitting at Jay’s lap just as pale and skeletally thin as usual, but alive and I can hardly believe that those two are seriously together and that she made it.
And then I look at my little sister who is just radiant in Liam’s arms and I think to myself, I’ve never seen her like this, not even before the accident that tore her away from her old life.
As I look at my friends living and their happiness invades me, I find it hard to breathe and I can feel my throat closing up suddenly.
