He stops for a few seconds and I can feel him shaking.
“Is everything okay? Have I done anything?”
I shake my head without having the courage to look at him. He kisses the corner of my mouth and whispers: “Open your eyes, Alex.”
I do as he asks. My eyes lock in with his and everything I’ve been afraid of all these years, the suffering, the tears, all of it disappears in the moment it takes to read the love in his eyes.
“I’ve been in love with you my whole life, Alex McBride. I would never hurt you and if this isn’t what you want…”
I put my finger on his mouth to make him stop. I caress his back and slide my hands down to his bottom to encourage him to move again.
“Christ…” he lets out as he starts moving within me once more.
He rests his forehead on mine and closes his eyes, takes a few deep breaths and then speaks to me sweetly. “You just have to relax a bit and breathe deeply. You are with me, Alex. It’s me and you, okay? Trust me.”
I relax my legs and grab onto his back with my nails, clenching my teeth, trying not to think about the burning sensation between my legs.
He moves inside of me slowly, sighing heavily with every thrust. He’s holding back for me, it’s sweet and tender and I couldn’t love him any more than I do right now.
He comes closer still and rests his elbows hear my head and touches my face with his beard, whispering in my ear all the things I’ve dreamt about hearing all these years and that I’ve only dreamt about, hoped for and imagined.
My body responds to his sweetness, rising under him; I let myself be guided by his reassuring words as he swears eternal love to me, telling me that nothing will happen to me because he won’t let it.
And I believe him, I want to believe him, I need to believe in the confidence he has because after tonight, I couldn’t even imagine not having his kisses, his touch.
I can’t even fathom the idea of losing all of this again, forever.
I don’t want to give him up, I don’t want to give us up and all that we could have.
He continues saying my name as he brings me with him to a world that I didn’t know existed, a world made of love, reciprocity, tenderness and happiness.
A world without crazy hearts, without palpitations, without fear of death’s imminent shadow weighing over our heads.
And as I am absorbed in this fantasy that is restoring life to my hands, my body slowly gets used to him being inside of it, opening to him, offering him everything I have.
His pushing becomes more intense and deep and I listen to his noises every time he thrusts, igniting this passion that intermixes with this unconditional sentiment I feel for this man who is giving me everything I’ve always wanted.
I let the excitement grow and build in my body and experience something I never have before and that I would like to do again with him every day.
I let my head fall back into the pillow and my body shakes with his and my name rings out in the room, probably the whole house, which, until now has been quiet.
His hot body presses against mine, his face rests in my neck and I feel a warm wetness that I recognize right away. I turn my head to look for his eyes and I feel him shaking over me.
“Jason?” I call him. “Is everything—”
“No,” he answers hoarsely before slowly coming out of me, leaving me with a feeling of emptiness.
He falls to one side and opens his eyes and looks at me seriously, as if to tell me something that might break my heart.
“I’m not ready…I’ll never be ready to lose you,” he concludes, breaking into a desperate cry.
He covers his face with his hands to hide his anguish but I want him to vent it, so that he lets it all out and doesn’t keep it in, trying to pretend he feels a serenity he doesn’t.
I gently move his hands away from his face and smile at him, trying to seem calm myself.
“I’m sorry,” he says, grabbing me by the hips and pulling me to him. He holds me so tightly I can barely breathe.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I didn’t want to…”
