He stops touching me, closes his eyes and sighs in search of the courage he doesn’t feel in this moment. Even if I’m not afraid, he is—terribly afraid.
“Are you scared?” I ask him, raising myself to my elbows.
He opens his eyes and looks at me intensely, as if his life depended on this contact.
“I’m afraid that this could be our last night and that it’s not enough for me.”
He turns his back on me and again takes his head into his hands. I sit up and hug him, resting my head on his shoulder.
“I want to live now, Jason. Here with you. I don’t want to think about tomorrow or next week. I just want to think about me and you together right now.” I pause a few seconds but he doesn’t move a muscle. I lift my head, moving closer to his ear.
“Make love to me, Jason,” I whisper as his body goes stiff at the sound of what I’ve just proposed. “I want to be yours.”
“Alex…”
“Don’t make me beg you. You told me you wanted to do lots of things, that you wanted to make up for some lost time, that you wanted to be my boyfriend. Well, this is it. Be my boyfriend and make love with me now. I want to be yours forever.”
“But you already are.”
“I want to really be yours in every way. I want this memory for the both of us. But if it should hurt you too much, then what we have now will be enough for me.”
“It’s already so difficult, Alex. If I should sleep with you now…I really don’t think this one time will be enough for me. I can’t live without you, don’t you understand that? I don’t want to. I’m doing my best here, I’m trying to be strong about it. But if I were to really feel you…” He sighs. “I wouldn’t even be able to breathe away from you.”
“I understand,” I whisper next to tears and letting up my grip on him. “That’s okay, we’ll just stay like this.”
“No, it’s not okay,” he says, decided. He takes my face in his hands and brings it right to his lips. “I’ve waited for this moment my whole life, Alex,” he concludes before kissing my mouth.
My heartbeat accelerates and it’s hard for me to catch my breath, but I don’t want to panic, I don’t want to change my mind or give up this chance with him.
“I want to make love with you,” he whispers, separating himself from me as I gasp for air. He pushes me sweetly down on my back and lays over me, resting his elbows by my head. “I want to be the first and the only man you give everything to, and I’d like to give you everything that you deserve.”
He kisses the corners of my mouth. “I want to watch you, caress you, kiss you and let you really know what I’m feeling, what I’ve been keeping for years, because you are the only woman for me. The only one I am able to give myself completely to. You’re the one, Alex. You’re the part of me that was missing. I knew it when I was thirteen years old, at fifteen at twenty…You and I together are simply perfect.” He bites my lip and smiles broadly. “So, yes, Alex, I want to make love with you more than anything else in the world, because I too need to feel like you aremine.To feel that we belong to one another, but I don’t want to force you, pressurize you or make you feel uncomfortable in any way,” he says, continuing to kiss my face tenderly between his words. “We can stop whenever you want, alright? Just tell me.”
I nod and Jason smiles and goes back to kissing me.
His lips are hot, soft and inviting. He is attentive, considerate and going slowly, perhaps too slowly. I’d like to bite him to let him know I’m ready, that I want him inside of me right now with no rethinking it.
I decide to take the initiative, because it’s true, we have all night, but my anxiety and the frustration my body is signaling to my brain are difficult to bear. I’ve waited so long and don’t want to wait any more.
So I put my hands on his shoulders and push him back and I try to sit up. He looks at me in confusion and is about to say something when I start to slowly undo his shirt buttons despite my shaky hands and blushing face.
As I slip it over his shoulders, his eyes become dark, intense, and I can finally see his desire to have my body as well as my heart.
I touch his chest, letting my fingers run over his tattoo, which is no longer hidden and let them drop to his perfect abdominal muscles. He keeps watching me and I can feel his eyes burning my skin as if he were just waiting for the right moment to take me.
I take my top off without hesitation, but then feel my embarrassment rising up, up through my arms and I wrap them abound myself, hiding.
“You’re beautiful, Alex, don’t hide from me please. Let me look at you.”
I relax at the sound of his words and take a deep breath to calm my anxiety. He caresses me, just brushing my left breast before stopping at my wild heartbeat. He opens his palm and rests it there, provoking something in me I’ve never felt before, something healthy and beautiful but not lethal.
Then, he takes me from behind my nape and pulls me to him. His lips are hot and attractive, they’re greedy and devour me without giving me time to think or reason, to even understand if this is really happening.
With the other hand, he caresses my back and stops at my bra clasp. He signs and unfastens it before letting it slide down my arm.
I pull back just slightly and shiver.
“Is everything okay?”
I nod and go back to him. He holds my face in both hands and kisses me again as if our future depended on it.
As if kissing me were the only way to keep me with him.
