Okay. And now? Should I throw down my plate and jump on top of her? How am I supposed to respond after her eyes have looked at me down to my soul, giving me all of the love I’ll ever need?
“You are perfect, Alex.”
She shakes her head and smiles bitterly, taking another sip of her drink.
“No, I’m not and you know it. I’m sick and I always will be.”
“Your illness doesn’t define who you are. You aren’t your illness. You’re my Alex, my wonderful, sweet Alex.”
She smiles at me with big eyes and lets her silverware go and I know it’s not because it isn’t tasting good.
“I have to tell you something,” she says and I also forget about dinner.
“This is the last night I’m going to be able to stay here,” she continues, lowering her glance. “Starting tomorrow I’m going to be undergoing some medical tests. They might even decide to keep me there until the operation.”
I rest my elbows on the table and let my head fall to my hands.
“What? Why?”
She shrugs her shoulders.
“Are you…unwell?”
I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know how to ask her if she is dying, right now, in these hours, right in front of me.
“They prefer keeping me under observation, it’s just a bit…safer,” she says in a trembling voice.
“You’ve gotten worse, haven’t you? And it’s my fault,” I say, resigned to it.
And I believe it. In fact, I’m sure of it. My nearness, the pressure I’ve put her under. I’m just hurting her.
“No, Jason. It had already started before you came back into my life. We’ve tried several things and they haven’t worked. It would have happened anyway, believe me. It’s not your fault.”
And yet I can’t help thinking it is.
I feel guilty, impotent and alone. Terribly alone. But I have to be strong to react—for her and for me.
“Okay,” I tell her, wiping my eyes before extending my hand to her. “We’ve got tonight and then…all the other nights after that.” I try to sound reassuring and calming, even if I’m feeling anything but.
“If they’ll come,” she says, squeezing my fingers.
I don’t feel like contradicting her because I don’t want to waste a moment. So I let go of her hand and stand up and go to the other side of the table, kneeling down in front of her. She puts her hands in my hair and smiles sweetly at me and with every second that passes I feel myself dying a little.
I lean up to her and kiss her tenderly, to let her know I am hers, for always, no matter what happens in the next few days or years. Then I move and take her hand, inviting her to stand up. I slip an arm under her legs and the other behind her shoulder and lift her up to me.
She doesn’t pull back, get scared or say anything. She rests her head on my chest and cuddles up in my arms.
And I feel her penetrating under my skin, layer by layer; as she slowly fills my soul, wrapping it up in her infinite sweetness; as it opens the door to my heart and takes possession, making it its home.
—
ALEX
He takes me in his arms and I rest my head on his chest. He carries me upstairs, to his room, into his bed, where I want to stay tonight even if it turns out to be my last.
He sits next to me, rubbing my hair that’s spread out on the pillow.
“I want to do everything with you, Jason,” I confess.
