He holds my hand tightly before bringing it to his lips.
“I wish there was more I could do for you.”
I stop and stand right in front of him. I get on tiptoe and take his face in my hands. “You don’t understand what you’re already doing for me.”
He tries to turn his head away but I won’t let him.
“Jason, look at me! This was a perfect day. I don’t remember ever having a day that was so peaceful and so serene and I don’t know when I’ve smiled so much. And yesterday…” I bite my lip again, a bit embarrassed. “It was the most beautiful night of my life. You showed me your heart, you gave me everything that you had and made me feel safe, like I haven’t felt in a very long time. And thanks to you, I’m no longer scared of kissing you, of holding you, of…” He silences me with a kiss. “You are giving me every hope and desire to live and I will be eternally grateful to you.”
“I’m the one who has to thank you.”
“You? For what?”
“I gave all this up, I didn’t think I needed it, that I could do without it. I thought I could control everything, even my heartbeat. I thought I could live without love. It was like being trapped in a deep sleep, with no dreams and no light. And when you came back, it gave sense to my life. You woke me up, opened my eyes and my heart. You have given me something to believe in, Alex. I didn’t have that. Without you, I didn’t have anything and I was nothing.”
I feel my eyes burn and my throat go dry.
“Don’t cry, I don’t want to upset you,” he says, resting his forehead against mine. “I’m fine, it’s just…emotional.”
“Come here,” he continues, pulling me sweetly by the hand. “Let’s go eat something, just so that you don’t faint in my arms.”
We head over to Temple Bar, which is a pretty low-key place with few tourists and just the local crowd that goes from place to place.
We get a baguette with sausage and French fries to share. We choose a spot with some stools facing the window, and as we eat, we watch the people.
I try to take more than one bite because I know Jason is worried and I don’t want to add to his concerns, so I really make an effort not to let him know how grave my situation is.
We leave with our arms around each other and Jason takes me to a place in the square calledOliver St. John Gogartywhere they play live Celtic music every night.
“Wanna go there?” he asks, winking at me.
I nod and follow him inside, where music and the warmth of the place and the people singing hits me full on, causing some palpitations. But they aren’t those kinds of palpitations, no, it’s something healthy, it’s adrenalin, pure emotion and it brings tears to my eyes.
Is this what I’ve been missing, I wonder? Is this what life is?
“Would you like to dance?” He smiles.
“I’m not able, I don’t know any traditional dances.”
“Well, are you Irish or aren’t you?”
He drags me to the center of the floor and holds me to him and starts moving in time with the music.
“Where…did you learn?”
“My mother.” He smiles a bit sadly and my heart squeezes in my chest.
We dance, we laugh and we dance some more before sitting down to drink something, chatting with everyone around to us.
And I feel full, alive and happy.
And yet, I’m not doing anything in particular. A walk in the park, a meal eaten standing up on the street, a typical night in a pub, a dance. All things that normal people do every day without thinking twice about it or even appreciating it fully.
I’m here enjoying every minute of it, I’m filling my eyes and my heart with life. I take in all the odors of the street, the pubs, the scent of this stupendous man next to me and I think how I’ve really missed out on everything and how I don’t want to miss out on anything else.
And I feel, for the first time in many years, that I want to live. I want to stick around. For my family, for my friends, and for him. But most especially, for me.
For the first time I feel like I want to live for myself.
