19
JASON
I open the pub door to start this workday in the best possible way. I’m fully charged, I’d say almost euphoric, even if I feel like I could crap my pants.
“There you are, we have to talk.”
I look up and find the guys sitting around a table with smoking cups of coffee in front of them.
“Oookay,” I say doubtfully, moving to the vacant seat and taking my place.
“So, friend, what is this story?” Patrick asks me with a strangely serious voice. “You and Alex…”
“Yes,” I say, taking a long breath. “Me and Alex, Patrick.”
“Are you sure? You know, we all know how things went…” Aaron interrupts.
“You’re talking about five years ago, Aaron? I’m no longer a boy, you should know that,” I say resentfully, crossing my arms over my chest.
“And I know that, buddy, I just can’t help worrying about you. You know I care about Alex and I know what she means to you, but I was there the last time it ended, and that’s why I’m worried about it.”
“Get straight to the point, Aaron,” Patrick encourages.
“I’ll be honest, okay? I’m happy for you, I’m glad you found the courage to let yourself go a bit.” He looks at the others before going on. “We all care about you, Jason. We’ve all lived together for a few years now, we’ve been through a lot and I’ve always considered you like a brother. You are dedicated to your friends, to Rain, this pub…You’ve only ever done things to take good care of us, never thinking about yourself. You have completely closed yourself off from the outside world and we’ve been afraid for a while now that you might not be able to make it back out. Please don’t misunderstand me, I am happy that Alex is back and that you have finally decided to open the door and let love into your life, but you know how things stand, how she is and what could happen, and with this, I am not suggesting that you can’t be close to her. Just, maybe…take it slowly? Be cautious, yes. Approach things with a certain distance.”
“What the hell…Aaron, I’ve waited all these years and you, more than anyone know what I feel for her. There is no one else for me! How in the hell could you tell me to go slowly?” I stand up and start pacing around the room. “How the hell could you say something like that to me knowing that she might…” And as I pronounce the words, I realize what it is that I’m saying, what I’m thinking and what the guys are trying to tell me.
I fall into the chair and take my head in my hands. Fuck, they’re right. I’m going too quickly, I’m pushing it just because I’m scared I won’t have enough time with her, to hold her in my arms and make her feel safe.
To make her feel like part of me.
Liam puts his hand on my shoulder, making me look him in the eyes.
“Jay…are you alright?”
Am I alright? No, no I’m not. I’m making a big fucking mistake because I’m scared I won’t have enough time to love her.
I shake my head and fall back into the chair, running a hand through my hair.
“Everything’s fine. We’re all here, and always will be. It’ll work out.” Aaron consoles me.
“And if…if it shouldn’t all work out, Aaron? If she…”
There they are, my doubts.
My devastating fear of losing her before I can love her.
“You have to be prepared for everything, you know that, right?” Aaron asks me and I nod, unconvinced because for as much as my intentions are sincere and positive, I can’t help but thinking they could end in the worst possible way.
Her heart could stop and then mine would too because I couldn’t withstand losing her too, to lose the only person I love.
I have fallen apart twice in my life: first when my mother died and then when I thought I was losing Alex too.
Two times that I lost control, two times I committed the same mistake.
I cannot allow that to happen again, I’ve always been a balanced person, strong, a beacon for others and I have to continue to be so.
I can’t fall apart, I can’t let myself get beaten down, and I can’t lose someone else I love, someone I’d trade my own life for.
