I look at him and the feeling in his eyes is there, and he’s ready to give me one of his grins that seem like a smile.
He addresses the others and in a calm, firm voice says: “Let’s go home.”
The guys look at each other for a few seconds before Patrick picks up his big bag that he had thrown to the ground and makes one of his typical faces, that makes me want to sock him in the nose: “At least this time you won’t say it’s my fault.”
—
ALEX
I’m sitting at the bar at the pub. I came to give Rain a hand because the boys are off to London. Erin is at home with Lily and I plan to sleep at their house to enjoy some time with the girls.
Rain is calm, working from one table to the next and gets along with everyone with her charming smile and kindness. Clients love and respect her. She’s so beautiful and strong and…happy. Rain is happy and I can only live in the reflection of her happiness and I’m reminded that it is something that I will never have.
“Hey, how’s it going?”
Keith approaches the counter where I confess, I was a bit lost.
“Fine, thanks.”
“Listen, I was thinking…Today is Wednesday, we don’t close very late…what do you say we go get something afterwards? Most likely things will be closed but at least we should be able to get a donut and a cup of coffee.”
Keith is always nice and kind. He smiles, a bit embarrassed as he speaks, and I can’t help but make a comparison about how his eyes aren’t as big and magnetic as Jason’s are. That his dimples that are barely visible are nothing like the ones that appear on Jason’s face when he laughs out loud, that his touch, here on my shoulder, isn’t vaguely comparable to the electric shocks I get when Jason touches me and that his voice, although rough and modulated, is not sexy and scratchy like Jason’s is.
I can’t avoid thinking what is obvious: Keith is not Jason. That no one ever will be. But Jason is far away in London, and is probably setting up the basis for his career. He left without saying goodbye, not feeling the need to share his news with me and that must mean we are not as close as we once were.
Jason is my big weakness and I’ll never be able to go on if I don’t lock up the very idea of him and what never was between us.
“Okay,” I say impulsively.
“Okay?” Rain echoes me, coming over to check out what’s going on.
“Perfect.” Keith smiles again. “Until then,” he says, going back to work with a smile on his face, while I get that familiar sense of anxiety in my throat.
“What are you doing, Alex?”
“Just living, Rain.”
Rain goes silent with my answer. She isn’t able to respond and maybe I was a bit too harsh with her, I have to admit it. But first she tells me to live my life and not be afraid, she introduces me to Keith and talks my ear off about taking chances and not thinking about the consequences. Now she almost seems angry about it.
Well now, I think the situation calls for a little clarity here, or am I mistaken?
The night ends quickly. At eleven fifteen everyone has already gone home and Keith hands me my jacket from behind the counter. “Ready?”
I nod because if I spoke, I’d sayNo, Keith, I am not nor will I ever be ready for you or anyone else.
“I’ll have her home soon,” he says sweetly as Rain just barely nods.
Keith opens the door for me and lets me go out first. I smile at him and move through the door looking back, and that’s where I run into someone who should not be there.
“Alex? Where are you going?” Jason asks me, as his forehead wrinkles as soon as he sees over my shoulder.
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m back.”
“But you just left this morning…”
“Evidently I was in a hurry to get back and it would seem I was right to do so.”
