Patrick looks over at us, not understanding what we’re talking about, and gives us the dubious ‘one eyebrow raise’.
“Seems like he’s going towards certain death.”
“You upset with me, Buddy?” Patrick sits up straight in his seat, instantly drawing Aaron’s attention.
“What’s happening you guys?” he says sleepily. “Is there a problem?”
The problem is that we’re not ready.” Liam turns to face us but keeps his gaze cast downwards. “That life is not for us. We are simple people. We have lived with very little or nothing our whole lives. That stuff will be the end of us.”
“What exactly are you talking about? Be clearer,” Aaron asks calmly.
“I’m saying we don’t need some special guy to tell us how to dress, how to talk and how to play. I’m saying they will eat us alive. I’m saying…that...that I don’t want to do this.”
“Don’t you think it’s a bit late to change your mind now?” Aaron challenges, while Patrick and I sit in silence. “We’ve already faced this once and if Patrick hadn’t dumped us at the curb last time, we’d probably be—”
“I tell you it’s not the right moment, Aaron. And maybe it never will be. Don’t you understand? There are things that are a lot more important than having a manager, a piece of paper and all that bullshit they want to propose.”
“Guys,” I intervene, because Liam is starting to get worked up and is speaking too quickly and too loudly. Other passengers are watching him nervously.
“This isn’t the time or the place. Let’s talk about it when we land. We don’t even know how it’s going to go and—”
“Cut the bullshit, Jay. We know very well how it’s going to go. They wouldn’t have us fly out here again if they didn’t have a clear idea of what they want. The way I see it is, that someone just wants to profit from our image. Mine, as a soloist. I’m the ex-drug addict who’s become settled at home, in love. The man who gave everything up for his family. The press will go nuts, they’ll eat us alive. Our nice calm lives will go to the devil, our future…herfuture will be in ruins. I can’t do this to her.”
I hadn’t thought of it like that.
The silence falls over us as Liam’s words sink in and brings us all to sadly reflect that they don’t really want us but simply want to make capital out of a good story.
“You think they really care about that? Just that?” Patrick asks suddenly, his mood back to normal.
“I’m not saying they aren’t truly interested in our music, but I am saying that they see a lot more to us than that, and they want to make a nice profit out of us.”
“God knows I would never risk Rain’s peace of mind.” Aaron sighs. “We’ve done everything possible to keep her safe from this shit. We’ve been fighting for years for this.”
“And it’s all about to go to hell, Aaron. Our lives, our daily existence. It could mean losing all we have just to get a shitty contract. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about.”
For the rest of the flight, no one says anything. I put my headphones on and try to get lost in the music, looking for answers to all these questions.
Is it really so important? Is it worth it to give up everything to chase success? Is it worth it to risk family, everyone’s peace and love? My father’s words suddenly make their way back to me and start hammering in my temples.
As we get off the plane, I can’t think of anything else but Dad and his life and his relationship with my mother. Of the suffering and the remorse. Is that what I want? To be like him? To come to the same end? Am I ready to put all my feelings for Alex into a shoebox and forget how I burn for her when she’s by my side?
Am I really ready to live a life without love?
“Guys,” I say, as soon as my foot hits the last step off the plane.
They turn to look at me, waiting for me to say something, but I’m not able to emit a sound.
I’m scared. I’m terrified about what I’m feeling and what I want: her, in my life forever.
“Everything alright, Jay?” Patrick asks, but I am not able to answer.
I am breathing quickly and I bring my hand to my chest to placate the mass of emotions I should not be feeling but instead are there, my whole fucking life.
They’re there, pushing, looking for a way out, waiting to take advantage of my uncertainty to betray me and show themselves off in all their splendor and to my horror. They are feelings that paralyze me but that I cannot continue to ignore.
I have lost all of these years, I’ve thrown away the chance to spend them next to her, the only person that I truly want to be at my side, and for what?
“Jay?” Liam comes towards me, he puts a hand on my shoulder and lightly squeezes, transferring his warmth and understanding.
