13
JASON
“Okay, Patrick, I’ll stay here tonight.”
“Wasn’t this supposed to be your day off?”
I shrug.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Because you have a lovely lady waiting for you at home.”
“And you instead…”
I give him a sideway glance, pretending not to understand.
“What?” he asks innocently.
“Don’t you start up this too. Liam is already enough for me.”
“I’m not doing anything.”
“I know where you’re trying to go, but it’s not going to work with me.”
“You’re going into total paranoia. I didn’t say anything and you’ve betrayed your own feelings yourself.”
“I can’t, don’t you understand that? I can’t do it. I wasn’t able to before and I won’t be able to now.”
“You’re a man now, not a scared little boy.”
“I can’t lose someone else in my life.”
“Jay, things happen and there’s nothing we can do about it. But I can promise you that it’s better to live your life rather than deny yourself because of fear.”
“Are you trying to tell me something?”
“When I risked losing both of my girls, it was an immense, un-digestible pain. Every part of my body hurt, my bones, my lungs, my heart…but even if the pain was unbearable, I wouldn’t give up one second I spent with Erin. Ever. Even if it saved me from all of the pain in the world. Can you understand what I’m trying to tell you?”
He knows very well what it means and how one person feels when he risks losing a woman he loves. Erin had problems with the pregnancy and the baby was born prematurely after an emergency C-section. Erin lost a lot of blood and was saved by a miracle.
Lily stayed in the hospital for two months before coming home and Patrick was just a hopeless mess but then things turned around. Erin and Lily came home with him to our crowded house and he is happier than I’ve ever seen him in his life.
Patrick became a man, a man who was capable of loving unconditionally and without compromise.
I shake my head and stand up, signaling the end of this conversation.
“Jay?”
“Go on home to your family, Patrick. Enjoy it,” I say without looking at him.
Patrick doesn’t answer me, he gets up and leaves, mumbling something unpleasant. Even if he’s taken huge steps in recent months, he hasn’t completely left his ‘asshole’ phase.
I huff and prepare myself for tonight. I have my head somewhere else completely and this is really the last thing I feel like doing but the alternative is sitting at home wondering what she’s doing.
After having visited her in the hospital, I’ve kept a bit of distance. I wanted to give her the space she needs to keep calm without worrying about my presence. Rain told me she’s well and that this was just one of her episodes, one like so many others, and that Alex has returned to work. But I’ve been afraid to call her, to hear her voice and the echo of those words.
How could she ask me something like that? How could she ask me to swear something similar?
