“I’m not so sure,” I say.
“Alex…”
“Everything’s fine, Rain.”
Nothing is fine. Nothing in my life is going well.
I can’t love, I can’t love him.
I can’t consider a future, a family, my own life.
How could I?
How could I force someone to take care of me day and night, to stay by my side, just now that he’s started up with his music again and is so close to getting the band up and running again? Now that his life seems to have taken a turn for the better.
He took care of his mother and came out of it completely devastated. Years of watching over her, worrying about her taking her medicine and going with her to therapy. He’s missed school, and slept next to her in the last months of her life. He let everything else go to be with her and then put up with everything that came in the following years. Neil’s death, the problems with Rain…he’s a man on the verge and I am certainly not going to be the one to push him over.
I could never ask him to stay beside me, I could never hope…ever. I could never let myself be loved.
I wasn’t made for him.
I’m not the one he needs. He can’t save me.
He can’t live his life and mine.
