I opened my mouth to ask him what he and his friends had been discussing and found that no words came out. The other nurse stepped in.
‘This is Nurse Watson,’ she said. ‘She’s Nelly’s friend.’
The doctor’s slightly cross expression softened into sympathy, which actually made me feel a little worse. ‘Shall we sit down?’ he said.
I shook my head. ‘Just tell me.’
‘Nelly sustained burns to more than half her body,’ he began. I got the impression he was giving me the information he’d prepared for his visitors. ‘She has severe damage to her airway causing her respiratory distress. She’s lost a lot of fluid and her wounds are beginning to get infected. The pain of any treatment we can give her is so extreme that her body shuts down each time we try.’ He squeezed his lips together. ‘If the burns don’t kill her, the treatment might.’
‘I know,’ I said in a small voice. My jaw was clenched so tight that it hurt. ‘She’s not going to get better, is she?’
He paused and then slowly he shook his head. ‘I’m afraid not.’
I breathed in sharply. Hearing the words meant I could no longer ignore what I’d known all along. ‘How much time?’
‘Her burns are too extensive and her organs will soon begin shutting down,’ the doctor said. ‘A month or so? She’s fought so hard so far.’
‘A month?’
‘Of course, if she develops an infection, which I’m afraid is likely, then it could be quicker.’
My legs buckled and I felt the nurse grab my arm and guide me into a chair. ‘Put your head between your legs,’ she said. ‘It’s the shock, is all.’
I did as she told me, breathing in deeply as I tried to take in what he’d said. My lovely friend. My happy-go-lucky, lively, funny Nelly only had a few weeks left to live? And what awful, painful weeks they would be. Her organs failing. Her airway swelling. And the awful, dreadful pain.
Slowly I lifted my head, feeling the room spin. ‘Will she know what’s happening?’ I asked.
‘As you know, she has periods where she is conscious and responsive,’ the doctor said. ‘She will understand what’s happening. In some ways, that’s a blessing. She can say her goodbyes.’ He looked at me. ‘Perhaps you could write something for her, in your book. That might help?’
‘Are you going to tell her?’ I said. ‘That she’s dying?’
The doctor gave me a little half-smile. ‘I think she already knows, don’t you?’
*
I sat there for a while, as he continued on his rounds and then, aware that time was getting on and I had to start my shift soon, I forced myself to my feet and into Nelly’s room.
She was awake. And to my distress, she was crying. Tears were trickling from the only eye I could see, dripping down her face and on to the bedsheets. She was making a soft, painful moaning noise that rasped in her throat. When she saw me, she reached her hand out and held on to mine.
‘I know,’ I said. ‘I know.’
I sat down on the side of her bed, even though I knew I wasn’t supposed to, and I held her hand and I stroked her hairand I let her cry. I couldn’t imagine what she was feeling but I knew I wanted her to know that I would be there for her in the weeks to come.
‘I’ll write to your mother,’ I said eventually. ‘I’ll write a message for you.’
Nelly squeezed my fingers.
‘Would you like a priest?’ Nelly had never been much of a churchgoer but I had occasionally seen her holding on tight to her rosary beads when we were in the shelter and the bombs were falling nearby.
Nelly didn’t respond, though she was awake.
‘Is that a no?’ She squeezed my hand.
‘No priest, got it.’ She squeezed again. ‘Do you want me to get the book?’ I asked her. ‘You can show me the letters.’
This time she squeezed even harder.
‘I will,’ I said. ‘I couldn’t find it earlier, but I’ll go down and ask Frank to keep a lookout for it too, and I’ll come back after my shift.’
