Still holding her hand, I leaned over, carefully avoiding putting any of my weight on her burns, and put my cheek to hers. ‘I’m going to be right here, all the time,’ I said. ‘Don’t be frightened.’
Nelly turned her head towards me slightly and I felt her breath on my skin. I blinked away my own tears, because I had to be strong for her. She’d been with me when I found out that Billy had died. She’d seen me through the nights when I’d cried and cried. Now I had to be brave for her.
‘I’ll be back in the morning,’ I said. ‘Get some rest.’
I blew her a kiss from the door of her room and hurried off to find Frank before I started my shift. Predictably, just as he was always around when I wasn’t looking for him, now I wanted to speak to him, he was nowhere to be seen. I went to the porters’ room, hoping he’d be there – and that Jackson would not.
But much to my disappointment it was Jackson who was inside, reading a newspaper and eating a sandwich. He was laughing withanother porter who’d just finished his shift and when I walked in, they both looked up at me with annoyance, as though I’d interrupted something fun.
‘I was looking for Frank,’ I said.
Jackson looked around where he was sitting in overexaggerated fashion. ‘He’s not here.’
The other porter laughed. I thought about how when we were children, and Billy was with his friends, he would be mean to me and our mother always said he was showing off.
‘Thanks anyway,’ I said.
Jackson stood up. ‘No, don’t go. Sorry I was silly. I can help you.’
I didn’t want him to help me but now I couldn’t leave without seeming to have taken umbrage at his joke. I sighed. I always felt so unsettled when I was around Timothy Jackson. I really needed to learn how to deal with him better.
‘I’ll get off,’ the other porter said. He aimed a playful punch at Jackson’s upper arm.
Quick as a flash, Jackson put his hand out to block the hit. ‘Just try it, mate,’ he said with a hearty bellow of laughter.
The other man chuckled. ‘Just testing,’ he said. They both looked very pleased with themselves and I was reminded of how the doctors had all slapped each other on the back earlier on.
‘Don’t go on my account,’ I said quickly, because I didn’t want to be left alone with Jackson. But the porter picked up his coat anyway. I turned to Jackson, my words tumbling out. ‘I wanted to ask if you’d keep an eye out for the book. Because I need it and I’m not sure where it is.’
Behind me, the door to the porters’ room slammed shut as the other man left and there was a sudden quiet. Jackson grinned at me.
‘Course,’ he said. ‘Got something important to write?’
I shook my head. ‘It’s not for me, it’s for someone else.’
‘One of the airmen?’ The way he said “airmen” made it sound like an insult.
‘No, it’s for Nelly.’ I cast around for the right words. ‘She’s not doing so well.’ My voice cracked and immediately Jackson was at my side.
‘Oh, Elsie,’ he cooed, wrapping his arms around me. ‘Oh poor you.’
I tried to wriggle out of his embrace but he held me tighter. ‘Poor, poor you,’ he said. He was stroking my back and then suddenly his hand edged lower down until he was caressing my buttock. Again I tried to wriggle away but he held me fast. ‘Shhh,’ he said into my ear. ‘I’ll make you feel better. Doesn’t that feel nice?’
My cheek was pressed against his chest, the button on his porter’s coat digging into my skin. Now his hand trailed up my side and brushed against the edge of my breast. ‘Shhh,’ he said again. ‘There, there.’
With his grip loosened I saw my chance. I wriggled again and this time managed to untangle myself from his arms. ‘I have to go,’ I said. My cheek was burning where it had been pushed against Jackson’s body and I put my hand up to feel it. Jackson reached out and put his hand over mine and then suddenly he kissed me, pushing his mouth roughly against my lips.
I froze, hoping if I didn’t react he’d stop and sure enough, he pulled back. ‘Elsie,’ he groaned. He looked at me, in what seemed to be admiration. ‘You really are something. I never knew you were like that.’
I wanted to ask what he meant. What was I like? But I also wanted to be out of the porters’ room before he could kiss me again, so I dived for the door. ‘I have to go,’ I said again. And then I ran.
Chapter 31
I was off my game all shift. I felt shaken and out of sorts and I kept making silly mistakes. I kept thinking about the tears that had rolled down Nelly’s cheek, and the way Jackson had pushed his lips against mine and how I could taste the pickle in the sandwich he’d been eating and smell the stale sweat on his coat.
There was no raid that night. No bombs fell. There were no sudden arrivals of terribly injured patients. Much to my surprise – and slight disgust at myself – I was sorry. It wasn’t that I wanted people to die or be hurt as the bombs rained down, but I knew that if it had been a normal night, I would have been so busy I wouldn’t have had time to brood about Nelly and how to cope with planning for a life without her, or to fret about when I’d next see Jackson.
Instead, I took temperatures and changed dressings and ferried patients down to the operating theatre – keeping a lookout the whole time in case Jackson appeared, of course – and volunteered to do every task Matron needed doing, so my mind was kept busy.
