He’d come over after I told him I was on my way home from therapy. I’d planned to ask him to move in soon, since he practically lived here already. My new house in my new town didn’t feel so empty and haunting when Moon was in it. He hugged me tight. “Hi, Daddy.”
“Hi, baby. It’s good to see you.” I leaned down, kissing the top of his head.
I followed him as he led me to the living room couch, plopping down on one of the cushions. It looked like he’d been watching some sort of nature documentary in my absence. “How was your session with Chris?”
“Mmm.” I leaned back, closing my eyes. “Hard. Really hard.”
Moon moved closer to me the moment I’d said it, snuggling up against my side. “I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”
We’d agreed there would never be any pressure to share what we’d talked about in our sessions. If our moods were affected, we’d say it was hard, ask if we wanted to talk, and if we didn’t, we just spent some low-energy time together. I thought about it for a moment, the hole in my heart so obviously gaping, it was physically painful.
Grief was an odd thing. It was never just psychological. It changed the way the body worked entirely, sometimes causing a constant ringing in the ears that never went away. Sometimes, it caused physical pain where there shouldn’t be any. The inside of my chestached.
I let my head roll side-to-side as I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “I miss my brother. I miss my parents.”
“I know, Daddy. I’m so sorry.” Moon rubbed my arm soothingly. “I know how much you love and miss them. Is that what you and Chris talked about today?”
“Yeah, we talked about the different ways of processing grief and how to feel close to our loved ones who’ve passed.” I wrapped my arm around him, pulling him against me until his head was resting on my shoulder. “We talked about me visiting their graves. They’re buried right next to each other.”
“Is that something you want to do?”
“I haven’t gone since Olivia and I got divorced. Seeing their graves just feels so…real, I guess. I don’t know. I always end upsuch a mess when I go, and Olivia used to go with me every time. I haven’t had it in me to ask her since we finalized.” I shook my head and rubbed a hand over my face, tugging at my beard. “I just miss them so much, Moon. So fucking much. It feels like I’m going to crumble and fall apart at any moment. The grief hits in waves, so it isn’t always like this, but when it is, it’s horrible.” I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to breathe through the pain. “It’s too much.”
Moon placed his palms on the sides of my face, waiting until I’d opened my eyes. “Let’s go see them. Together. I’d like to meet them, and I’m sure they’d love to hear from you.”
I looked into his eyes, watching them as they sparkled. They were full, and vast, and so fucking gorgeous. I could get lost in them forever. “You’d do that for me?”
“Anything you need, Em. Anything and everything. I’m going to be with you for a very long time, so I’m going to want to meet them eventually. Why not now? Especially when you’re needing some time with them.”
A little bit of the weight fell off as Moon took it upon his shoulders for me. The ringing had calmed to a lower pitch, too. He had me, just as I had him. “Yeah. Let’s go introduce you, then.”
I wasn’tsure how to go any further than this. Moon and I stood hand-in-hand just feet away from my parents’ shared plot and Harrison’s grave right next to them. I stared from a distance, frozen as the memories of their funerals kept playing in my mind. All the people who claimed to give a shit, and the awful,horrible music they played at Mom and Dad’s because Harrison and I were too fucked up to choose any.
I remembered their bodies being lowered into the ground six feet under, like it was yesterday. As Mom and Dad descended, rain had mixed with our tears, pouring down so hard nobody could hear our sobs. We’d held hands, just like Moon and I were, gripping each other for dear fucking life just in case we floated away in the flood that followed. Olivia had stood to the left of me, her hand on my back as she sniffled and wiped her nose with a too-dirty tissue that’d been ruined with the rain.
When Harrison went beside them, the sun had been out, and the sky was clear of any clouds. The birds had been singing his favorite song, and the wind had promised the earth would take good care of him. Olivia had been to the right of me, holding my hand, gripping each other for dear life just in case the wind took me, too.
The loss of my family had been so profound, I was truly amazed that I’d come out on the other side like I had. Without Olivia, I didn’t think I would’ve. I owed her a lot.
Moon squeezed my hand twice. “You ready?”
Turning my head, I took a deep breath before taking the first step. The sun was out. The skies were clear. The birds were chirping somewhere on a tree branch, watching us from above. The grass was so green, it made me wonder if it was real or not. The gravestones stared at me, the birth and death dates written in print, while the rest remained carved in script.
Here lies Marilyn and Thomas Blake. May they rest together in peace.
Here lies Harrison Blake. May he rest in peace.
Moon kneeled to the ground, sitting right between them. He wasn’t wearing a turtleneck this time, sporting a short-sleeve T-shirt with pride. “Hi, Marilyn. Hi, Thomas. Hi, Harrison. Myname is Moon.” He put his hands up. “I know, I know. Super weird name. My parents are, as you would call, free-spirited.”
I planted myself right by him, sitting directly in front of Harrison’s grave. “Moon is my boyfriend. Surprising, right? You guys wouldn’t know this, but Olivia and I got divorced. That’s why I haven’t stopped by in a long time. It was amicable, and mutual, and all that stuff. We’re still really good friends.” I plucked a blade of grass from the ground, twirling it between my fingers. “Anyway, I’m really in love with this guy. He’s really good. The best, actually. He wanted to meet you all.”
“I’m very grateful to him, you know.” He turned his head to Mom and Dad’s gravestone, paying no mind to the faded scars on his neck he’d been hiding for so long. “You two raised a really good man. And Harrison,” he looked toward Harrison’s. “You have one kick-ass twin. Even if he gets on my nerves a lot.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “I have a lot to tell you guys, honestly. I’ve been going to therapy, which has really helped in a lot of ways I never thought about. I thought I was doing well with the grief and all that, but Chris—my therapist—called me out in our first session together. So, I’ve been working on processing that and trying to find ways to handle it when it gets to be too much. Like today, actually. Today, I miss you guys more than I can even explain.”
Moon shuffled closer to me, placing a hand on my knee. He didn’t interrupt me. He just let me talk.
“Chris said that grief doesn’t get smaller. He said my tolerance for it just gets bigger. It’s always there, but my ability to cope is what gets better. Today, I think I just needed to talk to you. I think that’s how I needed to cope. I wish you guys were closer, though.” I threw the blade of grass to the ground, picking up a new one. “Speaking of which, I moved. They swapped me around at work and placed me in Heaton Springs. It was really fucking scary at first, but Moon has made it a lot less scary.”
