Ultimately, I chose to go seven miles over, although I probably could’ve gone faster. Moon needed me, and I wasn’t about to waste a single second. Once I pulled into the parking lot, I put my car into park, threw my door open, and ran up the stairs to his door. I knocked a couple of times, but didn’t get a response.
I thought maybe he was taking a minute to get to the door, so I waited. I waited like a normal person probably would’ve, butthe ringing in my ears had picked up in such intensity, I could hardly hear anything else around me.
Knocking two more times, I put my ear up to the door to listen. “Moon? Moon, can you hear me?” No response. None that I could hear, at least.
Trusting my gut instincts, I turned the knob to his door, finding it unlocked. Flutters of anxiety swirled in my gut, mixing enough to make me sick. I pushed the door open, letting myself inside and fumbling to lock it behind me. It was dark, all the lights shut off, not even a single path illuminated for me to watch where I was going. I fished for my phone from my pocket so I could use it as a flashlight just as I ran into something.
I stopped, stumbling for a moment. When I finally got the flashlight on, I could see it was his bike, just sitting right in front of the door, like he’d left it there in a hurry. I didn’t see him anywhere close, but when I panned the light to my right, I noticed his bedroom door was cracked open.
“Moon?” I called out, walking carefully toward it. As I got closer, I heard sniffling and what sounded like quiet cries. I walked faster, breaching the doorway, and shone the flashlight just below the bed.
Moon was curled up in his blankets, crying face down into the mattress. “Oh, Moon.” I sighed, stepping closer to him.
He peered up from the bed, blinking at me. “You’re really here. You really came.”
“You called, and I answered. I promised I would.”
His lower lip trembled in the darkness just as more tears started to fall down his cheeks. “It’s okay now, Moon. I’ve got you. Can I join you?”
I think he nodded, though I couldn’t be totally sure. He lifted the blankets, though, and moved just enough to give me room. I turned my flashlight off, pocketing my phone as I lay down beside him. He was shaking enough to make the entirebed shake, too. I wrapped my arms around him as much as I could, letting him rest his head right on my chest. “I’ve got you. Don’t worry.” I just wanted to comfort him. Ineededto comfort him. This was the only way I knew how—to be with him in the darkness, holding him, making sure he knew I was there, and I wasn’t going anywhere.
“It hurts,” he sobbed. “It hurts so bad. Everything hurts so fucking bad, Em.”
My hands rubbed up and down his back, soothing him gently. “What hurts, Moon? How can I help you?”
He took a deep, shuddering breath. “My heart. My heart hurts so much. I don’t think anyone can help me. It can’t be fixed. I can’t be fixed.”
Hearing him so distraught damn near broke me. The annoying fucking ringing had calmed down just enough to hear how his voice ended on a whine as he spoke, his breaths little more than harsh pants against my tear-stained shirt. “You aren’t broken. I promise you aren’t broken. Nothing needs to be fixed. For right now, I’ll be here for you, but there’s nothing to be fixed because nothing is broken.”
“You’re wrong.”
“How so?”
“Because.”
“Because why? Hm? Why do you think you’re broken?”
One of his hands came up, gripping my shirt in his fist. He sniffled and gasped, his back rising and falling against my arms repeatedly. “I’ve been broken since I was fifteen years old, Em. I don’t know who I am without it. I don’t know who I used to be. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m fucking shattered, and no amount of glue can fix me.”
He rushed all the words out. The vitriol with which he said them prominent, spitting the words out like they’d been lying in wait for years and years, slowly building and bubbling until thisexact moment. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for whatever happened to make you think that. I’m so sorry someone made you feel like that. I don’t think you’re broken in the slightest, but if you think you are, then I’ll just hold your pieces together for now, okay? Whatever you need, whenever you need it. I’m not going anywhere.”
I held him as he went silent except for his cries. I held him tight, making sure I was holding him together while he let himself break down in my arms. I understood all too well how it felt to lose parts of yourself, sobbing uncontrollably to the point you start to wonder if you’d ever stop. I knew his throat must’ve hurt by this point, and his mouth must’ve felt so dry from how much he’d been crying.
“You know,” I started, rubbing the back of Moon’s head in an attempt to soothe him. “When Harrison died, I didn’t cry for three months. Not a single tear.”
“Harrison?”
“My twin brother.”
Moon gasped into my shirt just as his back started to shake again, more tears taking him over. “The brother.”
I nodded, rubbing circles against the back of his neck. “Yeah, the brother. I didn’t cry when I found him. I didn’t cry when I was at his funeral. I didn’t cry while everyone was giving me their condolences. I thought something was wrong with me. I truly thought I was broken, too. I was tasked with cleaning out his house and sifting through all of his belongings. One day, I was going through the final haul, which was this storage shed he had in his backyard. I’d gotten through all the memories without shedding a tear, but the moment I went into that shed and saw our old fishing poles, I lost it. Fucking lost it. I screamed so loud, the neighbors called the cops on me, thinking I’d been murdered or something. I fell to the ground and just fucking lost it. I punched the floor, I screamed into it, and I cried all threemonths’ worth of tears, which held decades of love in them. I went through at least eight stages of grief at that moment.”
“Did you ever stop?”
“Eventually. I cried for four days straight. I cried for so long, I had to go to the hospital for dehydration. I cried all the tears out of my body. Literally. I couldn’t make any anymore.” I leaned my head back, sighing as I tried to remember the fuzzy days afterward. “I’d held it in for so long that when it all finally came rushing out, I was inconsolable. I refused to talk to anyone about my grief, not even my ex-wife, and we were married at that point. She tried her best to get me to open up, but I couldn’t. I think I’d been afraid of something like that happening, and when it did, I realized just how lost I actually felt.”
Moon had calmed down into sniffles at that point, his head still pressed firmly against my chest. “Lost. Yeah, I get that feeling. I’m so fucking sorry about your brother. I can’t imagine…” He’d trailed off, but I knew what he was thinking.
