Crescent wrapped his arm around Elio’s shoulder, pulling him to his side. Elio tilted his head. “What did you invite us over for, then? I thought we were just hanging out.”
“I mean, we are just hanging out, but I also wanted to…you know…apologize. And talk.”
Star’s eyes narrowed as she looked at me. “Apologize? To who? And what about?”
I sighed, scrubbing a hand over my face. “All of you. You, specifically, Star, but really all of you. My overprotective and overbearing tendencies obviously affected you guys a lot as you grew up, and I had no idea just how far I was going. I’ve been seeing a therapist.”
“Finally!” Crescent yelled. “I’ve been trying to get you to see one for forever.”
“I know, I know. Emerson and I have both been in therapy for a couple of months now, and while it’s been slow going, it’s actually been helping a lot. Iris, my therapist, and I have been talking about my protectiveness a lot, and I’ve started to understand myself a lot better. I’ve also started to understand how it must’ve felt to you guys a lot better.” I turned my attention to the floor, wringing my hands together as I spoke. “Nothing I’d like to say is an excuse, per se, but I’d like to explain if you’d be open to hearing. And then I’d like to actually, genuinely apologize.”
When I looked up, they were all sharing glances with each other, as if they were having a conversation in their heads. Elio was the first to speak up. “We’re open to listening, but honestly, Moon, Cres and I weren’t as affected by it as Star was, and we didn’t get the brunt of it like she did. So, if there’s anyone who deserves an apology, it’s really her, not us.”
“I know. I can recognize that it’s different. Still, I’d like to extend it, if you’re willing to receive it, and I’d like to explain not just to, like, cover my ass or anything. I just want to open up, I guess.”
Crescent leaned forward. “You’ve been hiding shit, haven’t you?”
I nodded.
Star laid her legs over Elio’s lap, lying on her back and turning her head to face me. “Let it out, then. And your apology better be a lot better than your last one.”
This was it. This was the moment I stepped outside of my comfort zone again and let three of the most important people in my life into my brain and into my heart—for real, this time. No fake, overbearing shit. No half-assed excuses. Just pure vulnerability. It was fucking terrifying.
I cleared my throat and looked down again, finding it easier to stare at the floor than at them. “I won’t go into too much detail, but yeah. When I was fifteen, I got into a really bad relationship with a girl. Her name was Jennifer, and she wasn’t a good person. She was at first, but when she started not to be, it was really bad. She was really abusive. I never told anyone, because I was so enamored by her and honestly embarrassed about it. Anyway, when I was sixteen, she did something that would completely change me. Like, completely fucking ruin me. She got me really drunk and then her and her friends…” I paused, closing my eyes for a moment.
No matter how many times I said it, it didn’t seem to ever get easier. It felt like shame and despair all mixed up into a heavy ball that sat right on top of my chest. “Jennifer’s friends held me down while she…you know, um, raped me. It really fucked me up. And then Jennifer kept abusing me until she finally broke up with me and told everyone possible that I was a bad lay. Ironically. By the time I learned it was rape, I’d already been so fucked up about it, I couldn’t see a way out. Telling someone wouldn’t change what happened. It wouldn’t make me feel any different—at least, I didn’t think it would. So, I kept it all on the inside.”
“Holy fuck, Moon.” Elio’s voice wavered as he spoke, ending in a sniffle.
I held my hand up, shaking my head to try and keep the tears from coming. I fucking hated crying so much. “Sorry, I need to finish in one go, or I never will. I was extremely depressed and tried to kill myself. When that didn’t work, I shifted all of my attention to protecting you guys in any way possible. Making sure that nothing bad would ever happen to you like it did to me. I never wanted any of you to go through what I went through. I made it my one mission in life. It was the only thing I focused on, and I focused on it too heavily, turning into some fun-killing asshole. Eventually, though, Crescent, you struggled with your mental health and tried to end your life. Elio, you had left our house to be with Jude, which tore a hole so deep in all of our hearts, there was no way I could fix it. We just missed you so much. It wasn’t your fault, and we were never angry, but we really fucking missed you. And then Star, you were growing up and going off into the big, bad world I couldn’t protect you from. It was too much all at once. And when I found out Jude had been abusing you, Elio?” I shook my head. “Oh, I lost it. When I walked in on him hurting you, it all clicked in my mind that I’d missed the same signs that people missed for me, and somehow,that made it my fault in my fucked up brain. I killed Jude with my bare hands, killed Sarah by accident, and I don’t regret a single part of it. I’d do it again for you. Any of you.
“But I can’t pretend it didn’t mess me up. Obviously, it’s no one’s fault but Jude’s. That’s what I’m working on in therapy. It really messed with me. It messed with me so much, in fact, that when you, Star,” I looked right at her, “called me drunk at a house party with no one around you to help, I immediately worried that the same thing that happened to me was going to happen to you, and I felt powerless. And I took it out on you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I tried to take away a part of your autonomy. I’m sorry that I implied you couldn’t protect yourself. I’m sorry that I pushed way out of bounds. It wasn’t my place. I’m your big brother. I’m supposed to be a soft place to land, not the asshole who keeps you from flying.”
There was silence. A silence far too long, taking time into its hands and crushing it. It felt like forever, and I had no idea if it was actually only a couple of seconds or if we truly sat there for hours. Elio had curled further into Crescent’s side, one of his hands splaying over Crescent’s chest, both of their eyes glinting with tears beneath the living room light. Star slowly sat up, a hand over her mouth as she blinked a few times, tears falling with each one.
She sniffled before pulling her hand away. I watched as her lips trembled, and she fought to find her voice. “Can I hug you?”
I was hesitant, feeling more awkward than anything after spilling my heart out like I had. The last time Star and I had hugged was during our family group hug when Elio finally came back home. She’d never been huge on physical affection. So, when she offered it, I always agreed. “Yeah, Starry. You can hug me.”
She jumped off the couch, barely giving me time to get up from my chair before she wrapped her arms around my middle,pressed her forehead against my chest, and started to cry. “Moony Poony. I-I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”
Hearing her sound so sad and broken as her voice cracked, crying the nickname she rarely ever used for me anymore, broke something inside of me, too. A piece of metal right at the top of the cage surrounding my heart cracked straight in the middle. I could feel it more than hear it, but I knew it was there. As I held my baby sister, I realized just what I’d done. I’d missed out on so much. Because I never opened up, never asked for help, never told anyone what was happening, I’d missed out on something so important. My siblings meant the world to me, but I’d kept myself at a distance. Instead of loving them fiercely and letting them love me back—love me whole, not in pieces—I’d put a boundary between us that never should’ve existed in the first place.
My shame had kept me at arm’s length from the people I’d claimed to love the most. I wouldn’t let that happen anymore.
Rubbing her back gently, I closed my eyes and pressed a kiss to the top of her head, fighting back tears. “It’s not your fault, Starry. It’s not your fault.”
Arms wrapped around either side of us, Crescent and Elio adding themselves to the hug. Crescent leaned his head against mine. “Us Millers and our penchant for keeping shit in. Why are we like this?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. It never ends well for us.”
He let out a soft cry, sniffling in time with Star. “You didn’t have to hide it, Moon. You had nothing to feel ashamed about. You could’ve come to us. I’m so sorry you felt like you had to hold this in for so long when we could’ve been helping you.”
I squeezed Star closer to me, since I couldn’t wrap my arms around him. “I know that now, but that loneliness…”
“It completely boxes you in.” Elio rested his head on my upper arm. “You can’t see your way out, even if there’s a dozenpeople willing to go to bat for you. It doesn’t feel feasible at the moment, and then you go so long without it, you get comfortable.”
Just like Iris had said before. “Exactly. It wasn’t just that I couldn’t see a way out—I didn’t think one existed. All I ever wanted was to protect and care for you guys. Prevent you guys from feeling the same way.”
