“Yeah, it’s still really fucking hard. I’ve had to cry a lot, and I’ve had to open up to a lot of people a lot of times because I realized something extremely important. You know what that was?”
“What?”
“That I couldn’t do it alone. I couldn’t grieve like that by myself, or handle all of those hopeless emotions all on my own. You’re trying to handle a lot on your own, Moon. You’re going to lose yourself if you don’t let someone in. When I say I’m here, I mean it with my entire heart. I know what it’s like to bottle everything up, and I know what happens when it finally explodes.”
He stayed silent for a little bit. I kept rubbing his back, kept rubbing circles against his neck, and I let him sort through every thought until he was ready to say something. “You’re a light.”
“A light?”
“It’s so fucking dark all the time, Em. So goddamn dark. But you—you’re a light. I can see you, no matter how dark it is, and that’s fucking terrifying. It’s horrifying.”
Was I not supposed to tear up at that? Because I was, and there was no going back from it. I just hoped Moon couldn’t tell, since I had a feeling he wouldn’t like that very much. “Every ounce of sincerity feels terrifying when you’ve convinced yourself you don’t deserve it.”
“I’m really not sure I do deserve it, or you.”
“Would your siblings deserve it?”
“Of course they would.”
“Okay, then. That’s your answer.”
“That’s different.”
“It isn’t.”
Moon groaned, pulling his head away from my chest. My eyes had adjusted enough; I could see his basic outline. “I’m so tired of people saying that! It is different. My situation is different.”
I grasped his cheeks in my hands, holding his face gently. I looked into his eyes, hoping he could see how serious I was. “Your situation may be different, but how you deserve to be treated as a human is the same. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have support. You deserve to have a light at the end of a dark tunnel, or however you may view me. I want to be here for you, I said I’d be here for you, and I damn well meant it when I said that.”
“Fuck.” He inhaled, shuddering through it. “I don’t even know what to say to that.”
“Then don’t say anything at all. Just listen and take it to heart.”
I pulled him back into my chest, resting his cheek on me. He didn’t speak, but he didn’t cry, so I took that as a sign of true comfort. I was afraid that if I had seen him in the daylight—the way his deep, sad eyes would’ve looked, drowning in tears, I’dhave collapsed. Something in my heart couldn’t stand the idea of seeing Moon so distraught, and I wasn’t sure what it meant for me. I wasn’t sure just how much of a friend I could’ve been for him with how intensely I wanted to keep him safe.
I wanted to hold his heart in my hands, cradling it in nothing but warmth and safety. It didn’t matter at the moment whether I could be a friend and stay as a friend—all that mattered was if I could be there for him. I knew I could. I knew I would. I was determined to be in Moon Miller’s life however I possibly could be.
Chapter Ten
Oh,fuck. I’d really done it this time, hadn’t I? At some point, Emerson and I had fallen asleep, his arms wrapped tightly around me. The moment I opened my eyes, I realized that even in daylight, Emerson still hadn’t let me go. Shame and embarrassment seemed to always go hand in hand, coming together to sit heavily on my chest. I almost couldn’t breathe, the weight was so much. That, and the fact that Emerson had a death grip on me around my chest.
I was grateful his eyes were still closed. At least he couldn’t see me while I was internally losing my shit over how deep into my soul he saw last night. It was so much, so shameful, that my skin started to tingle and burn beneath my sweatpants with the need to feel somethingelse.To release it somehow.
His arms felt warm around me, the heat of him bright enough to light up every dark path in front of me. I’d never had a friend who was willing to do something like this—who’d cuddle with me when I was upset. It was weird. Odd. He’d bared a piece of his soul with me last night, too. I could appreciate that, knowing I wasn’t the only one digging up old and ongoing pain.
I tried to pry his arms off me without waking him up, gently pulling at his wrists to see if he’d instinctively pull them back. Instead, he tightened his grip and took in a deep breath, his chest rising against my back. When I looked over my shoulder, I could see his eyes start to flutter open.
“Morning,” he whispered, his voice rough with sleep.
I squirmed in his hold, trying to get away from it now that he was awake. It didn’t feel right anymore. While trying to maneuver my way out, I realized my grave mistake. With how he was holding me against him, I could feel the tent from his morning wood right up close and personal with my ass through my sweats. Clearing my throat, I tried to keep my squeaking to a minimum. “Morning.”
“Shit, I didn’t realize I fell asleep.”
“Yeah, me neither.”
He sighed into the back of my neck, his breath sending chills down my spine. For a moment, I was worried about just how exposed my neck was, leaving my scars out in the open. “Do you have coffee?”
Nodding slowly, I looked back down at his arms. He’d tightened them, my body damn near stuck to him now. I could feel every breath, every twitch, every single slight movement he or his muscles made. “In the kitchen, yeah. It’s shitty, though.”
