Bea bit the inside of her lip hard in the hope that it would stop the tears coming.
‘I want to be with you Bea. I want those two weeks in May all year round. I want to ride a wave at Kinshore and see your sunshine smile next to me, I want to see your laughter make little clouds on the baltic air, I want to make you so happy that you don’t care that it’s snowing in March. I…’ Cal stopped, his voice wavering on the edge of possible uncertainty. He stepped towards her and softly but assertively grasped her face. Bea was so taken aback that she froze on the spot.
‘What?’ Her voice wobbled.
‘I love you, Bea. I love you, so, so much. Please, don’t go back to the States. Stay with me and make a life here, if you can stand the drizzle and the endless wind. I’ll keep you warm. Or at least tell me you feel the same and then we can decide what to do.’
There were tears fighting for presence in Cal’s eyes, too. Bea hadn’t been about to speak but his words took her breath from her and for a moment, she struggled to inhale. Despite Cal holding her cheeks she had to stop herself from falling over. Cal Butler loved her. He was in love with her. Just as she was in love with him. He was touching her and searching her face now with those yearning and sincere eyes. He was so close, the familiar cedar and the lime scent was trying to trick her into believing she was home. There were his lips, so incredible to kiss and able to elicit feelings she had never known with any man before. She could almost swear she heard his heartbeat. Heard his love. She could see it, she could feel it, so blinding now that she wondered how she’d never noticed it before. Why had she thought he was completely detached? It was glaringly evident that he wasn’t that person at all. Not one single bit.
‘Bea.’ Cal stroked her fringe from her face then reached down for her hands. Bea’s instinct was to slide her fingers in between his, squeeze tight whilst gazing into his soul and admit she was besotted too. Then she’d collapse into him and to let herself be held. She didn’t give a damn about the weather. She cared about Cal Butler. But she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. So, instead, she held her arms fast by her side and remained unresponsive. Cal took inher rigidity, flicked his gaze back up, then asked a question that broke Bea’s heart.
‘You don’t feel the same way?’
Oh God. She did. She did. But she couldn’t do this. ‘No, no, I don’t,’ she lied, the hurt on Cal’s face ripping her heart in two. It didn’t matter if she was in love with him and he was in love with her. Bea had always thought that was all that mattered, but she could see now it wasn’t enough. She needed more. Needed for it to be her and Cal alone. No shadows from the past. He couldn’t see it, but when that baby came along everything would change. His priorities would change.
‘I don’t believe you, Bea. God knows, I’ve never professed to be amazing at reading women, but look at you, you’re stiff as a board but your hands are trembling. What are you hiding from?’
Cal was right. And it was insightful of him to notice her behaviour. But he wasn’t being insightful in the slightest. If he truly was, he’d have worked out that it was the baby that upset her. Why he hadn’t clicked about this, she wasn’t sure. She could come right out and spell it out for him, but that would mean admitting why his having a child with another woman bothered her so much – because she was in love with him too – and she couldn’t risk losing him when he saw her for who she was. A silly woman who wrote books for a living and that was it.
But then Cal said something that knocked Bea sideways.
‘It’s the baby, isn’t it? Jeez! Of course. How could I have been such an idiot?’ He took a step towards her and placed steadying hands on her shoulders. ‘Oh, Bea. I am so, so sorry.’
Bea stepped back to dislodge his hands from theposition where they felt far too comforting. ‘No,’ was all she managed to say. She couldn’t have him pity her. ‘No, Cal.’
‘No? No, what?’
‘Just no. I am not doing this.’
‘Just because there might be a baby doesn’t mean there isn’t a future for us. You do love me, don’t you, Bea? I can see it in the way you look at me. I can feel it in the space between us. I always have. I can’t be feeling this on my own.’
‘You’re wrong.’ Bea couldn’t admit it and risk him persuading her. She couldn’t take that chance on being left again like Josh had done to her, but this time by someone who was truly amazing. She had to go. She had to make him leave, then get out of here herself. ‘I’m not in love with you,’ she said. ‘This was only ever a temporary arrangement. I’m sorry if you’ve gotten more caught up in things than I have, but I was only ever here in a professional capacity and?—’
‘Does that include writing about me?’ Cal was hurt and Bea wanted so badly to ease that hurt. She never wanted to cause him any upset.
‘I would never exploit you for my writing, Cal. I have only ever been inspired by you, but if you think you see yourself in my writing to an extent that you would be recognisable to someone who may know you, then please know that I will rectify that so that no upset is caused.’
Cal shrugged. ‘It doesn’t matter. But, please, you can drop the formalities. We’re not in a court of law here. I think we know each other well enough by now.’
Bea shrugged, too.
‘Okay,’ she said. ‘Look, if you don’t mind, I need to get on with packing and cleaning this place.’
Chapter 54
Cal
Cal regarded the room Bea was talking about cleaning. It would take more than a few hours to get it anywhere near hospitable. He hated that she had to live here. Why hadn’t he done something about it before? Helped her to get somewhere better? Offered her the use of his own place in town? He was ashamed of himself. Not only for that, but for not considering the baby thing until it was too late. The selfish truth of it was that until he’d realised that he was in love with Bea, Cal hadn’t thought the baby would matter. And he certainly hadn’t considered how it might feel for a woman to be in that situation. The truth of it was, he’d thought he would have sex on tap for a couple of months and after that he wouldn’t have sex on tap. The truth of it was that he was an idiot.
‘I’ll drive you to the airport,’ he said. Maybe he could change her mind. ‘We can talk on the way.’
‘No, Cal.’ Bea picked up a duster and turned to the mantelpiece, her body stiff. Cal could see it was forced; she was shutting him off and the pain of that broke him. He wanted to take her to him, hold herclose and tell her it would all be okay, that they would find a way together and that he would always love her, no matter what happened. But when she sensed him standing there, she turned from the mantelpiece, walked out of the lounge and opened the front door.
‘Please, I think you should leave now, Cal. Thank you for everything. Every single moment has been wonderful, and I will never forget you.’
Cal couldn’t believe this was happening. The woman who was so free and open with him – who had taught him how to let go and to love – was shutting him out, denying her own heart. How could he get her to be the one to let go and love? Cal had no idea. He wasn’t armed with those skills. He studied Bea for a time, willing her with his stare to see how serious he was, but she merely stared back with a tenacity that surpassed his own.
Against his feelings, Cal, reluctantly, leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, inhaling one last waft of that sweet amber and honeysuckle scent. An aching thud hit him and tears pooled in his eyes.
