Bea darted her glance away. Maybe she didn’t want to see him so vulnerable. Or maybe she felt the same and didn’t want him to see her welling up, too. He didn’t know and he couldn’t make her admit anything.
Cal examined her for a moment longer, willing her to meet his gaze so he could convince her intuitively that they belonged together. But when she looked at him again, although her eyes were glistening, he saw a resolve that he knew he had to respect.
‘I will never forget you either, Bea,’ he said. ‘And I will never, ever stop loving you, no matter what. If you ever change your mind about us, I will be here for you, in my little corner of this rainy wee country.’
‘Okay, goodbye, Cal.’ Bea’s words were choked but she was holding herself together, which, if she was dealing with the emotions he was, he had to commend her for. She was a woman of principle and the fact that she knew exactly what she wanted from a relationship only made him love her more. He wondered how he was ever meant to forget her but accepted he probably never would.
Chapter 55
Cal
Things continued to go well in the bar. Business was steady. Christmas and New Year were mayhem, although nothing Cal and his team couldn’t cope with. Edinburgh got busier every year around the Hogmanay celebrations. Cal was grateful as it had given him less time to dwell on the hollow emptiness hanging around ever since Bea had left.
As they always were, January and February were long, cold, hard months with no highlights besides Cal’s birthday and the hope that spring might bring some sunshine. He kept himself busy with work and going for a run most days. It was too cold for surfing so he contented himself with quick dips in the sea to wake himself up in the mornings. He swore it was good for the immune system. There was also an element of torturing himself a little, although he wouldn’t admit that.
In late March, the baby was born, and word came from an exhausted but ecstatic Elisabetta that both she and the little boy were fine. Cal was torn between wanting to visit the child and not wanting to have his heart broken again.He knew that if he met the baby, held him in his arms, he would want him to be his son, fall in love on the off chance he was and if he discovered that he was not, it would be unbearable. So he told Elisabetta that he needed the paternity test done before anything else. She was surprisingly accommodating and couriered a swab test to him.
The phone call came forty-eight hours later.
‘I’m so sorry, Cal. I was almost certain. I believed instinctively that he was yours.’
Cal resisted the temptation to tell her that her instincts had never been especially finely tuned. It would have been the wrong thing to say. He was a swirl of emotions already and throwing bitterness into the mix would not be productive for anyone. It was sad the baby wasn’t his. Although he had done his level best to keep his emotions in check and not get too attached to being a father, he was only human and it was natural that certain thoughts had crept in: playing football with his son or daughter, teaching him or her to surf. It would take a little time for him to become accustomed to the fact that this would not be happening imminently. It would hopefully happen someday, but this was not his time to be a dad.
When Cal did become a father, he knew who he wanted it to be with. But that dream was gone. So, why couldn’t he shift her from his mind? The frustration at having lost Bea and also not being a dad was crushing. He had lost her for nothing. Now he was alone. And, if he was honest with himself, it was nothing less than he deserved. But that didn’t stop him from wanting Bea, from wanting to win her back. So, never one to back away from a fight he had even the smallest chance of winning, Cal knew what he had to do.
Chapter 56
Bea
Bea was an overnight success: one who had worked eight years to get to that point. Her latest novel was a smash hit and even those who did not normally read in the romance genre were reading it and talking about it. She was being invited to conventions and book readings and her reader group on social media was always full of questions and people thanking her for writing such an awesome book. It was her dream coming true at last.
Healthy sales of the book and her back catalogue also meant a more robust bank balance for Bea. It was such a blessed relief to focus on her writing without having to work bar at the same time. Of course, there were no guarantees that the next novel would be as successful as the current one, but if she had to, she could always go back to bartending. Bars weren’t going anywhere.
The one downside to the popularity of her latest book was that it meant Bea could never push the memory of Cal from her mind. He was there in her hero. Sure, she had changed the name but all that did was stop the public from knowing who she’d based him on. Bea couldn’t shieldherself from that knowledge. But how she missed him. No matter how hard she tried to forget it, the time they had spent together was too special, too wonderful. She had fallen head over heels in love with him and you didn’t fall out of love like that, especially not from someone like Cal Butler.
It was early April and Bea was having lunch with Amira at their favourite Chelsea deli. Since things had taken off, Bea had found that there weren’t enough hours in the day to get all the writing done, as well as the admin, so Amira had taken on a bigger role in helping Bea with monitoring and filtering her emails as well as some social media scheduling.
‘So I finished the book,’ said Amira, referring to the second book in her latest series, which Bea had given her to read for feedback.
‘Oh.’ Bea was nervous of what Amira thought of it. ‘Great. Or is it?’
‘It is. I loved it.’ Amira tucked into her avocado salad. ‘I’ll message over the notes this afternoon. But I think Gil Painter’s brother is going to be as popular as Gil.’
‘You do?’ Bea let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding in. ‘That’s great. I’ve been a bit worried this one might fall flat as it’s more from my imagination than the last one.’
‘No way will you fall flat, Honey. There’s too much spirit in these books. Real issues that real people experience, like toxic relationships, guys with kids already. I’m fielding loads of emails from people who don’t want to talk on the public group but want to share how much the story touched them. I’ve put them in the fan mail folder, but I’ve flagged some of the ones you’ll need tissues for.’
‘Really? God!’ Bea had always imagined what it would be like to get fan mail like that, but she hadn’t been prepared for if it did happen.
‘Yeah, I guess when you talk honestly about life it means a lot to a lot of people.’
‘Oh, my goodness! I didn’t ever think my stories would affect people in such a way. I will be reading those with a box of Kleenex this evening.’ Bea took a large gulp of wine; such was her excitement.
‘And before I forget,’ said Amira. ‘I’ve transferred you back that money you lent me. I’m sorry it took so long.’
‘You didn’t need to worry about that. You know I’m going to add it back into your pay packet. And lunch is on me. Should we order some more wine?’
The conversation flew like a runaway train. Bea and Amira never ran out of things to say to one another. Then when they were on their third glass of white, Amira broached the thing she knew must be on Bea’s mind and Bea sobered up fast.
