“I do.”
“All right, then.” She tapped the screen a few more times before powering the tablet down. “I’ve marked you as excused from cleanup duty. Get some rest but be sure to eat extra at lunch. We can’t have you skipping meals.”
“Of course,” I said even though I had no intention of eating any more of the cheap cafeteria food than I usually did. Most of the time, the stuff was barely edible.
Hilary had already turned her attention to the door, giving me an opportunity to glance at Marc. He shot me a subtle wink, and like a teenager with a crush, my insides fluttered. I quickly looked away, afraid Hilary would notice my flushed cheeks and get suspicious. It seemed unlikely since even though she was holding the door open for me, she barely glanced my way. I was pretty sure she was as eager to avoid me as I was her. Which worked to my benefit.
The nap had been an excuse to get some time alone, and I hadn’t thought I’d be able to relax considering how my day had started, but to my surprise, I drifted off pretty quickly after lying down. I woke hours later to discover that I’d not only missed breakfast, but lunch as well, and it was already early afternoon.I’d slept the day away, which was going to make getting any real sleep tonight a challenge. Oh, well. There was nothing I could do about it now.
After getting cleaned up, I slipped into the hall, still a little groggy from my long nap but starving as well, and anxious for snack time. It was for the pregnant women mostly, and I’d never bothered with it before, but after missing both meals, I was eager for it now.
Bette’s door opened before I’d had a chance to get far.
“Ara!” she exclaimed when she saw me. “There you are! I looked for you earlier but couldn’t find you. How are you doing?”
Her hand was on her lower back, which made it seem like she was pushing her stomach out. It looked even lower than it had yesterday, making me wonder if the baby had dropped.
“I’m okay.” I gestured to her stomach, both because I was wondering and because I wanted the attention off me. “How are you feeling?”
“Exhausted. Uncomfortable. Annoyed.” She blew a few strands of blonde hair off her forehead. “The baby is so low I feel like I’m carrying a bowling ball between my legs. At my appointment this afternoon, the doctor said my body is getting ready. I’m already dilated a little.”
“That’s good,” I said, forcing out a smile.
“I think so, but my husband was anxious when we talked yesterday. He said he’s going to do everything he can to find out what the plan is for women who give birth here. Hopefully, he can use his connections to figure out what’s going on.”
“I hope it works out and you can get home.”
“Me too,” she said, then looked at her round stomach. “As long as this guy is safe and we’re together, though, I’ll be okay wherever I am.”
Thirty-Five
That night during free time, I headed to the fourth floor. The hall was mostly dark since the rooms up here were unoccupied and no one had bothered to replace the dead bulbs, and it gave the illusion of privacy. Although that was just what it was. An illusion. What Marc and I were doing was a risk because anyone could stumble upon us at any time. We had to be careful.
Marc was already there, waiting in a little alcove at the end of one of the halls on a bench that had been built under the window. It looked out on the gardens where there had at one time been a maze but was now overgrown with weeds and impossible to traverse. I’d tried one day when I was bored. Still, the view from up here was beautiful, especially during this time of the day when the sun dipped low, painting the sky a canvas of colors that would have made Monet envious.
Marc stood as I drew near. His face was cloaked in shadows, making it impossible to read his expression, but his body language was relaxed.
“How are you feeling?” he asked when I stopped in front of him.
I let out a bitter laugh that bounced off the walls, taunting me. “Pissed. Resigned. Scared.”
His head bobbed, but I still couldn’t see his face well enough to read his expression. “I guess that makes sense.” After a momentof hesitation, he stepped aside and waved to the bench. “Want to talk?”
“Yeah,” I said, the word mostly a sigh.
I sank onto the bench, putting my back against the wall and pulling my legs up. I hugged them against my chest, my focus on the mountains in the distance and the pink sky beyond. It was breathtaking, but it didn’t fill me with the same awe that a beautiful sunset usually did. My mood was too morose for that.
I didn’t want to be pregnant. Didn’t want to have to deal with morning sickness and more doctors’ appointments than I already had to attend, or the medical tests that would follow. I didn’t want to have to push a baby out of my body only to hand it over to a stranger. No, I didn’t want to keep it, and I didn’t want to be a mom, but I wasn’t a fool. Giving a child away after carrying it for nine months wouldn’t be easy. It would be the hardest part of all this.
Tears filled my eyes, and as hard as I tried to blink them away, they refused to obey. In seconds, they’d spilled over and were running down my cheeks, which only made me angrier. I’d come here for a distraction but even Marc couldn’t do that for me. Nothing could take my mind off what had happened today.
“Ara,” Marc said, his voice gentle.
Angrily, I wiped my hand across first one cheek then the other. “I’m sorry. I feel stupid for crying, but I can’t help it. I’m so mad. I feel so violated.”
“You should,” he whispered, and to my surprise, reached for my hand.
I was hugging my knees, but he managed to pry my left hand free, which he held in his. It was bigger than mine and rough from hard work, but so comforting it had me tearing up all over again.
