‘You might want to look into some therapy for your boss, though,’ I say. ‘I think he needs help.’ The fact that I can be so objective about his situation is proof– if I needed it– that I’m free of his ghost forever.
‘He’ll have the support. Hendersohm is a family. We’ll make sure of it.’ Harper nods, and I’m glad that he’s actually listened to me and not taken his personal feelings towards Jackson into the workplace. He’s being pretty level-headed about it, but I do worry that when Kian goes back to the UK again that might change.
‘All that’s left now is to win back the heart of my super-hot race engineer,’ I say.
‘Maybe focus on one thing at a time, Jo.’
‘I know, I just miss him.’ Way more than I ever thought I would let myself miss anyone again. I never expected that I’d ever want to throw my heart into another relationship, yet here I am, having fallen hard again, and I’m determined not to hurt him with my past hurt.
‘I’m sure you do, but this time tomorrow the race will be over and you can take some time out together before China.’
‘Oh yeah, because back-to-back racing leaves lots of time for that.’ I can’t get on a plane with him to the other side of the world with all this animosity hanging between us. If I don’t win, I don’t want anyone to blame my performance on him. I won’t risk him losing his job.
‘You’ll find time, or you’ll make it, if it’s important. Look, I need to get back to the team for the next practice. Speak later, okay?’ Like the messy bastard that he is, Harper spots a camera watching us and leans up on his tippy toes to kiss my forehead. I push his face away with my palm, but we’re both laughing, and damn, that feels good.
I wait for everything in my brain to click into place after the conversation, but things still aren’t right because Caleb’s not talking to me.
I need ten minutes on my own to focus my thoughts and get in the zone, so I glide through the garage with my head down praying no one stops me on the way to my room. The second I’m at the door, I step inside and lock it behind me.
Sitting right there, on the table next to my bed, is a piping-hot takeaway cup of coffee and my heart has never felt so full.
ChapterThirty
Caleb
I’m on my third energy drink as I sit down at pit wall for the US Grand Prix. The concerning thing is I’m not even close to the vibrating, bouncing-off-the-wall mess I should be in after this much caffeine. One too many long days at work and one too many sleepless nights will do that to you.
It surprises no one that I’ve somehow thrown myself into my job even more to help Johannes bring the championship home over the next three races. Despite the fact that my brain and heart are at war, I was still working to the middle of the night last night with Alek, our lead strategy engineer, preparing for today.
Has it been easy coming to work the last couple days and having to see him, speak to him, be all up in his space, when we haven’t had the chance to talk about him and Jackson? Absolutely not. But this is still my job, and I still care about him deeply. Even if we do end up calling it quits, it still matters to me whether he wins or not. It matters very much indeed.
I don’t want to call it quits. I think now the shock’s worn off, my emotions are less acute. And now I just miss him. So, he didn’t tell me a really big secret– he never actually lied to me. He never betrayed me. Not my sweet, caring, country-music-loving Johannes. Not the guy who cooks for me every time he has the chance and who looks at me like he wants to give me the world. Not the Johannes who so clearly wants tobe loved and made to feel worthwhile. My blood boils thinking of all that Jackson must have done to make him feel that way.
And nothing will stop me getting him his race day coffee. I have to courier it to the garage, but it’s there waiting for him when he arrives for the day. It’s tradition now. Superstition, or whatever. And the fact is I still want to do nice things for him, despite being mad at him, which says more about my stupidity than anything. Maybe I care too much.
I don’t doubt that he cares about me, but the depth and breadth of my love is so vast that I could drown in it. Being cradled in his arms made me believe he felt the same way, but I was wrong once before, and now I worry that my inexperience in healthy adult relationships is really showing.
I shake off the emotions and put my headset on for the day so I can drown out all the thoughts with radio chatter. Nothing compares to a race day. There’s no thrill like it. Sitting at the pit wall and seeing every decision Johannes makes on track is a privilege. Being a part of his process, assisting in every way I can, is a joy. Getting to be in the atmosphere that comes from ten teams battling to come out on top, the whizz of cars going by, the buzz of engineers working their asses off to change tyres in two seconds… I’m already dreading the post-season blues when my life becomes solely writing my thesis again.
Everywhere is already busy as we get ready for race day, and there’s a sizzling tension up and down the paddock as the battle for the championship reaches its peak. I’ve seen Nils this morning looking more excitable than ever. He’s going to finish in the top ten overall this season for the first time in his career and it’ll probably be a mid-table spot, too, which is impressive. Next year I can see that being even higher. He must know what’s going on right now, because he offers me a small smile with a hint of pity as he says hello to Ian and bounds into the garage.
Johannes was pulled straight into press briefings this morning, but the second I start thinking about him it’s like the earth conjures him up for me and I watch out of the corner of my eye as he approaches the pit wall slowly.
‘Hey,’ he says, hands cradling the coffee cup I saw being delivered five minutes ago. ‘Thank you for this.’
‘Of course,’ I reply, because I can’t imagine having not gone out of my way to get it here for him. To keep that stupid superstitious luck going. When, really, I do it so he knows that he has someone who cares about him. Someone who’s rooting for him.
‘It’s really good. Nothing will top Belgium’s, but this is exactly what I need right now.’ His eyes meet mine and he offers me a small smile and I’m instantly smiling back, hands itching to reach for him and pull him close, but I can’t. We can’t. Not right now, not here, not before the facts are straight and ironed out, and even then it’s not appropriate to bring our relationship drama into the workplace.
‘I’m glad.’ Apparently, I’m unable to say more than two words to him now. This is not what I want at all, especially as he takes a small step back away from the pit wall.
He’s all suited up, waiting to be allowed to go do the formation lap and get situated on the grid. He might be sitting on the right-hand side of the front two spots, but I know he has it in him to knock Harper out of the way by that first corner. Johannes has won the last two US Grand Prix, and I see no reason for it not to be a third today.
‘You done? I can toss that for you.’ He hands me the empty cup and when our fingers brush, it’s like a stupid romcom of electricity sparking between us, and I hate it. Except I don’t. I love it.
He’s still standing next to my screens, waiting, hand twitching where he’s resting it on the table. ‘Anything else?’
‘No, just needed a second. Sorry.’
