‘I’m sorry, what?’ Harper asks, his voice pitchy, arms splayed up in the air in complete and utter shock as he pulls away from me.
‘You remember that night in Florida that you were pissed at me because I abandoned you and went home with someone. That was Jackson.’
‘That was over three years ago! And you broke up when?’
‘At your wedding.’
‘Fucking hell, Jo. You’re kidding me.’
‘I wish I was.’
He shakes his head. ‘It all makes sense now with what’s happened and how you were performing earlier in the season?—’
‘It’s why you were such a mess after Silverstone,’ Caleb finishes from the doorway. I didn’t even hear the door open, but he’s looking silently between me and Harper trying to make sure he’s pieced all of this together correctly.
He looks as broken as I feel, eyes shimmering under the luminous emergency light, hands shaking where they rest on the emergency-exit bar.
‘Caleb, I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to find out like this.’ I go to step towards him, but he takes two back, arms wrapped around his chest, protectively.
‘Find out what? This huge secret you’ve been keeping? Or that you’re clearly still completely torn up over your ex? What has this been, huh? A rebound? Something to keep your mind off him? What the fuck, Johannes?’
‘It’s not like that at all.’ I want to cry and scream and make him understand, but I can’t because everything’s a mess in my brain right now. A scramble of completely overwhelming thoughts and feelings that I can’t get straight. More than two and a half years unravelling in front of my eyes that I can’t even begin to process.
No matter how much my heart wants to save my current relationship, the rest of me is too much of a mess to even speak.
‘I actually thought you were the good guy in this sport, Johannes. A little misunderstood after all of your antics, but if you can keep this a secret, what else are you hiding?’
Nothing.I want to say it but nothing comes out. I’m left looking at him wordlessly as he waits expectantly, before a surge of anger colours his face beetroot and he has to shake out his balled fists.
‘Fantastic. And fuck you,’ he grunts out, before turning back inside, the door slamming behind him again.
‘FUUUUUCK!’ I scream, and slam my fists into the wall, the ridges of the bricks grazing my skin.
‘You need to calm down, Jojo. You don’t want restaurant staff coming out here and selling some kind of anger-issues story to the press.’ Since when did Harper care about the stories? He still did stupid shit even though he was happily married.
‘Fucking hell, did you finally go to that PR training?’ I ask, which causes us both to laugh. ‘This isn’t funny, he’s probably going to break up with me now and never speak to me again.’
‘I have to admit, even I’m confused. I’m not sure why you’re this wound up. Do you still love Jackson?’
‘No! I love Caleb, I just… Fuck! It was too much. Hearing all of that, hearing how hurt he is even thoughhedid this. He chose the job over me. It hurt all over again, but not because I want him back or I’m still holding out hope, but because he put me through hell. He broke me and you don’t just get over that in a couple of months, even if you’ve fallen in love with somebody else.’
‘What do you mean?’ His gaze narrows like he’s trying to piece it together but doesn’t want it to be true.
‘He made me swear not to tell a soul. Ever. And then he gradually broke me down, piece by piece, day by day, and he knew I couldn’t talk about it with anyone.’
‘But you could have told me, Jo. I would have kept it a secret.’
‘From Kian? I would never ask you to do that. And I would never ask you to choose between our friendship and your career. You know I would never do that.’
‘But you’re my fiercest rival and also my best friend and we make it work. I’d have found a way.’
I groan again. ‘You don’t think I told him that every time I pleaded the case on looping you in?’
‘I don’t get it.’
‘Me either,’ I reply, leaning against the wall to try and catch my breath after everything that’s happened this evening.
‘Maybe start from the beginning,’ he suggests.
