‘We’ll be here all day. The short of it is, everything was amazing at the beginning. I fell for him so quickly. Then we came back after that first winter break and things changed a bit, but not a lot. Like, he was around less, but not that it was super noticeable. Then, gradually, bit by bit, he pulled away– always leaving just enough breadcrumbs that kept me trailing after him but ultimately unsatisfied. He forgot my birthday– you remember? That night? When you all came to my room?’
Harper puts his head in his hands. ‘Jojo…’
‘At first it was exciting to be a dirty little secret, but then it was just dirty. Always sneaking around, like he was ashamed of me. It made me feel just so… wrong. So bad about myself. So unlovable. I could see what you and Kian have, and I was fucking jealous, because I knew deep down he would never want that with me and that made me hate myself a little. You were right when you said in Monza that I stopped trusting myself. That I lost confidence in myself. This is why.’
‘Oh, Jojo. I’m so sorry. I had no idea.’ He quickly holds his hand up before he corrects himself. ‘Actually, I did. I knew something was wrong. I definitely knew at the start you were seeing someone because it was written all over your face, but I had no idea it was him or that he was putting you through all of this.’
‘What’s going on?’ Kian asks, joining us in the alley. ‘I tried to stop Caleb bolting, but there was no stopping him. Did you guys have a fight?’
I shake my head, but I can’t start the story again, so I look to Harper with pleading eyes. ‘Johannes and Jackson were together for the last two-and-a-half years, Jackson made him keep it secret, treated him like shit and broke up with him at our wedding. I’ll fill you in on the details later.’
To Kian’s credit, he says nothing and accepts that he’ll find out everything he needs to know later from his husband, but his face is anything but neutral.
‘I’m sorry, Kian,’ I say on a sob.
‘I’m gonna fucking kill him!’ Harper rages.
This is exactly what I didn’t want. ‘No, you’re not, because he’s about to become your team principal and he’s one of your husband’s closest friends. What happened between us is in the past.’
‘I still wanna kill him. He’s been hurting my best friend, right under my nose, for years.’ Harper’s practically foaming at the mouth until his husband lays a calming hand on his shoulder and Harper melts under it.
‘There were good times, too… He was under a lot of stress…’
‘Don’t make excuses for him!’ Harper protests, but I just shake my head.
‘I need to go after Caleb and get him to hear me out.’
‘I think that’s a good idea,’ Kian agrees. ‘He’s a great guy and I can tell how much he cares about you. I love Jackson, but… he’s like Anders in some of the worst ways and sacrifices everyone and everything at the altar of Hendersohm.’
‘I don’t care about any of that. I’m serious in what I’m saying. You can’t treat Jackson any differently. When he becomes your boss, Harper, he’ll hold your whole future in his hands. Don’t throw that away. Thanks to Caleb, I’m not broken anymore. I’m just not quite all put back together, either. But I will be. I will be.’
‘Johannes Müller’s words of wisdom.’
I’m not sure after all of this, that I actually have any wisdom, but I’m going to need some if I’m going to fix this between me and Caleb.
ChapterTwenty-Eight
Caleb
Stomping back to the hotel and not giving Johannes a chance to explain probably isn’t the most mature decision I’ve ever made, but what else was there to say? It all makes so much sense now. He’s been going through a break-up he had no chance of escaping. He’s clearly still harbouring feelings for Jackson and how can I compete with him? The man is about to become a team principal!
He’s also stupid handsome and has the racing insight of a freaking genius. I’ve read his blog and listened to his podcast for years. He knows his shit, even when he called Johannes an overhyped rookie four years ago.
I don’t stand a chance against him. I’ve never been this self-conscious in my life, but I’ve also never fallen so hard for anyone before. Even Brad.
Yet I’ve given everything to Johannes– my heart, my head, my body. I couldn’t have stopped it even if I tried. Johannes has his own gravitational pull. He’s a star that shines so brightly, I cannot look away. But what kind of future can we have? The hotshot F1 champion and his nerdy, ginger ear-piece. That’s what we are, and I’ve been so stupid for letting myself think we could be more.
And then there’s the fact that he lied to me. He could have told me in Zandvoort when I picked him up and coaxed him through his panic attack. He could have told me any one of a hundred times since then, but he chose not to.
A treacherous corner of my heart wonders if it’s because he needed me to be his adoring doormat for the rest of the season because I helped him get back on top of the podium.
No, he’s not like that.
I didn’t think so, but I’ve always had so much more to lose than him. If we can’t work together, Nathan will fireme, not Johannes. This is everything I feared when we began this relationship, and I ignored it because I wanted him so much. I used my stupid overworked brain to rationalise it away and took a risk– and now I have no choice but to guide him through the track like my heart isn’t breaking because of him. I’ll probably have to see Jackson, too, at least in passing, and try not to want to punch him and reveal his stupid big secret, too.
I get undressed and climb into bed, pulling the duvet over my head to try and quiet my mind and racing heart. But the second I close my eyes, my subconscious plays me an imaginary reel of Jackson and Johannes going at it, and now I need to bleach my mind. I’m restless all night, tossing and turning, phone on do not disturb so I don’t feel tempted to reach out to him and tell him to come over. I just need a little bit of time to try and process.
I finally fall asleep and it feels like only seconds later that my alarm is going off and I’m dragging myself into the shower, dressing in RBF clothing and grabbing a Lyft with some of the other engineers in my apartment to the garage.
