Because this softness is a balm for my wounds.
She sucks in a sharp breath and folds her arms over her chest. “I’ve made excuses for you, El. For the pain you’ve lived through, the fate you didn’t choose,” she starts, but her voice isn’t soft in the way I expect. It’s dignified and emboldened—unfamiliar. “But there comes a point, where that fate has to answer toyou, not the other way around. Everyone here is trying to help you, but your rage stands sentry to your heart. At some point, you’ll have to let someone in, make peace with the past, and honor Ronyn’s death, instead of desecrating his memory with your selfishness. I loved him, El. He was my family, too.”
I wince at the truth in her words that strikes like a blade against a whetstone.
“I— I—” I begin, but she cuts me off.
“I wasn’t done,” she snaps. “Have you ever once wondered why Kael and Therion called Ronyn ‘brother’? Or the significance of the god metal arrows? Or why Kael didn’t use his shadows? Or have you been too wrapped up in your own pain that you forget others have to live with it, too?”
Her words lash me. Striking out like a leather whip, slashing through my fragile grip on my version of the truth.
Because honestly, no. I hadn’t thought about it at all. I’ve been so suffocated by my own pain, that empathy and understanding have evaded me. If only I could have Ronyn back, maybe I could fucking breathe.
My breaths rasp in and out too fast, and my vision swims. I grip my head, vaulting my eyes closed against the truth.
“El, you need to focus,” Seren’s voice cuts through the fog of my mind. “What can you smell, see and feel? List them,” she commands, voice unfamiliar and firm.
My focus narrows, sifting through the bombardment of images, conjured realities and memories that try to drown me. And through it all, the truth remains. “It’s all Kael,” I sob. “He’s everywhere.” The more I lean into my senses, my breath slows, and I loosen the grip of my clenched fists. “He smells like the jungle and rain. I hear him call me ‘Duskae’. I feel his hands through my hair,” I breathe, almost inaudible. “And it hurts so fucking much,” I exhale with relief, like the words themselves needed to be spoken. Like they were pulling me under.
Seren looks at me—truly looks at me—furrowed brow dissolved, and tender eyes returned. “There she is,” she smiles. “El, I don’t know what you went through, but I know the solution isn’t in this,” she says, waving her hand through the haze that still smothers the room. “It’s in people who desperately want to help you. It’s in letting yourself feel the truth, not the anger that shrouds it.”
I wipe my face with my sleeve again, eyes swollen with tears I’ve refused to cry. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re really clever?” I say, with a ghost of a smile on my face.
“All the time, actually,” she teases.
“So this means I’m back to drinking brask on my own then?” Rubi quips, and we all huff exhausted, broken, but real laughs.
And a small part of me remembers what it feels like to lean into people.
But the feeling is fleeting—my face falling in a heartbeat.
“He gave me up,” I whisper, and we all know who I mean. And despite losing my best friend, it’sthisthat shreds my heart.
Rubi steps forward, tousled hair in knots, and potions still dangling from the belt over her skirts. “I’ve known Kael my entire life, El, and I can assure you, he’s one of the beststrategists in the known realms—if hemeantto give you up, you’d know. He got played, they had Nalya at knifepoint, and you were collateral. It’s politics, not betrayal.” She takes an easy swig from the flask, licking her lips as it burns her throat. “El, he gave up his magic for you. Is that not penance enough?” she scoffs, shrugging her shoulders indifferently.
He what?
My eyes blow wide with shock. My gaze darts between Seren and Rubi, searching their faces for the truth.
“Explain!” I demand, my heart racing without warning.
“He cut a deal with Death—his magic, in exchange for help in freeing you,” Seren explains, eyes soft.
He tore the very shadows from his bones for me. And I spat on what was left.
My hand flies to my chest, gripping at my heart like I can hold it together with my bare hands. “Why?” I murmur the only words I can think to say.
“Because he loves you! And if you don’t know that by now, you need to start spending more time with Seren—maybe her intelligence will rub off on you,” Rubi rasps between puffs of smoke.
A sob wracks my body. I pull my knees into my chest, burying my head in my knees.
I sob for all that I’ve lost.
All the pain.
All the hurt.
All the anguish.
