“Isn’t this great?” Benny cuts me off, and the last bit of air in my lungs leaves me.
Hot waves ripple up my neck, settling on my cheeks and tightening my throat. I gasp wiggle harder.They don’t know.“Please,” I breathe. “I can’t—”
A hand clamps around my wrist inside the circle. My pulse jumps. Then I recognize the grip, the warmth, the roughness ofhis palms, and I let him pull me out.
“I’ve got you.” Steven’s voice cuts through the buzzing in my head as he pulls me into his chest. “Breathe.”
I don’t have the capacity to ask what he’s doing here. I just fold into him, knees giving as he catches every shaky inch of me.
“Em?” Kate reaches for me, but her voice warps like it’s coming from underwater.
Steven’s voice is the only thing that reaches me. “Give her some space, please.” His tone is tense, protective, as his warm breath caresses my temple.
I hear a murmured sorry and the quick shuffling of feet, then we’re alone.
“Are you alright?” he speaks into my hair, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles at the base of my neck.
My skin still buzzes painfully, but I nod. He cups my face, but I can’t look at him. I focus on the hospital logo on his baby-blue scrubs.Baby blue. Baby. Blue. Baby…
“If you’ll excuse me,” my voice is pinched as I rush out of the room. My heart pounds so hard in my chest it burns.
“Emma, wait.” Steven follows me into my office and shuts the door behind me.
I don’t acknowledge him as I yank my purse out of my desk and dump everything out. Half of the contents hit the floor; others scatter across the desk.
“Where’s my phone?” I ask in a panic, wildly sifting through my desk before dropping to my knees and doing it again. Pens, hand sanitizer, Chapstick…I see everythingbutmy phone. “Where’s my phone?” I cry as the stomach-knotting feeling of urgency takes over.
Steven drops to his knees next to me. “Emma, what is wrong?”
I can feel him watch me as I go through the mess, picking up the same things multiple times, as if the package of Kleenex itself can tell me wheremy phone is. My movements are now frantic, tossing things out of the way, nearly hitting Steven with a pen.
“Emma.” He speaks soft and low,patient.“Baby, talk to me.”
“I need to check on Josie,” my voice cracks, and tears erupt. “I haven’t checked in. What if something is wrong?” I whimper, feeling like a crumpled piece of paper. Nothing can straighten and smooth me out right now.
Steven fights his natural reaction—the one to tell me not to worry. I can tell because he forces his wide eyes back to a normal size and scrapes his teeth over his bottom lip.
“Alright, let’s check on her.” He doesn’t hesitate to reach into his pocket and pull out his phone. With the screen face up in his palm, he sits cross-legged next to me, urging me to take it.
I do, dialing the nanny in seconds.
“Cindy?” I ask when the line clicks over. “How’s Josie? Is she okay?”
“Yes, Ms. Jones. She’s perfect. Here, let me show you.”
She clicks over to FaceTime, and a giggly, pink-cheeked Josie illuminates the screen. Lying on her tummy, chewing on a rubber carrot, drool flows out of her mouth like a faucet. Her hair is sticking up in every direction.Perfect.
“Hi, sweet girl,” Steven says as he peers into the screen over my shoulder. Josie beams, babbling loudly and squirming like a fish from her spot on the floor.
“Mama and Daddy love you, baby girl,” he adds, and an ache swells in my chest, rising like a tide and spilling into my lungs. It can only be described as love, this feeling. The unmistakable moment when your heart and mind meet in quiet agreement, whispering to each other,“This is bliss.”
“Bye, sweetie,” I say weakly, tears pricking my eyes. “Thank you, Cindy.”
The screen clicks off, and my arm feels impossibly heavy as the phone slips from my hand to the floor. A shaky breathshudders out of me.
Steven’s fingers tighten around mine. I don’t remember reaching for him, but here we are, hands threaded together. It’s instinct now. Muscle memory. My body finds him before my mind does.
Most of the time, I let myself lean into him and his steadiness. I’m grateful for it. Grateful for him.
