Her eyes spring open now.
“I know you’re tired. And I know I’ve messed this up more times than I can count, but I meant what I said to you fifteen years ago. I will spend the rest of my life doing whatever it takes to give you a life you love.” Her breath catches as my words,my vows, spill out of me. She needs to know; I need her to know this. “I won’t let you down, alright?”
Before she can answer, my pant leg is being tugged toward the front door, and Eastonyells, “We’re going to be late!”
“We’ll talk tonight?” I ask, stumbling backward against my will.
Emma laughs as the boys herd me toward the car. “Tonight.”
“Yeah, yeah, you love each other. Let’s go!” Sawyer flings open the driver’s-side door and climbs over my seat, using his feet as propellers to land in the back.
I’m forced into the SUV under duress, catching the time on the dash. If I’m serious about proving I can change, I can’t screw up the school drop-off. Moving more urgently now, I back out of the drive, yelling, “I love you!” out the window.
One final look at my wife, and then we’re gone.
Chaptereleven
Emma
“Whathappenedtoyou?”
That’s the first thing I hear. No hello, no good morning, just Ellie’s bewildered stare and an oat milk latte.
“Seriously,” Ellie continues, “should I be worried?”
“It was a long night.” I wave her off.
“Did Josie sleep okay?” she asks, slurping her coffee—icedcoffee in January, like a heathen.
“She slept great.”
“How was therapy?” She winces at her own words. A therapist wincing about therapy, what a moment. “Did it go alright?”
“What’s with the third degree?” I try to tease, but I miss the mark, making her eyes widen. “I’m sorry. Therapy was exactly what you would expect.”
Ellie nods in understanding because she, of all people, does. But it’s more than that. Therapy was tense, sure, but the night ended better than I expected. I woke upcontent, with my husband’s arms wrapped around me. It was the best night’s sleep I’ve had in months. Yet, I’m still exhausted. Even in the midst of good sleep, I know I was anxious. Woke up with a racing heart, thinking my baby was lost in the comforter or somehow scaled the wall to ride the ceiling fan like a carousel.
Ellie must sense I need a hug, because she wraps her arms around me, pinning mine at my sides and squeezing so tight I see stars.
“Cut that out.” Malcolm’s deep, stern voice rumbles behind me, followed by Kate’s bright, gleeful one, saying, “Oh, hush,” as she wraps her arms around me too. Now I’m pinned between her and Ellie, tightly restrained, and quickly my anxiety begins to wind tighter.
“Are we starting the day with group hugs now?” Benny asks as he wedges himself in without hesitation. Ellie’s and Kate’s hair fills my vision, and then another weight drops onto my shoulders. Malcolm, I think. The pressure runs straight down my spine and pools in my heels, and suddenly, it feels like there’s no space left to breathe.
“What do we have here?” Daniels says with a laugh, then he joins.
“I need air.” The words barely make it out, tangled in Kate’s thick, curly hair over my mouth and nose. I try to inhale, but dread floods in instead. The press of their bodies makes my bones feel heavy, like I’m being swallowed whole, sending a zap of panic surging through my lungs.
I wiggle, desperate to break free.
They tighten the hug, mistaking my panicked movements for affection.
“I—can’t—” I try to breathe as stars start to dot my vision.Can I breathe?
“I think that’s enough for now,” Malcolm mumbles.
“Just a little longer.” Kate squeezes tighter, and my chest constricts.
“I can’t bre—”
