Lorelai’s mother walked at least five miles every day and, up until now, Lorelai had staved off her nagging that she should be doing the same. Lila was insistent that a strenuous two-hour hikewould do Lorelai good and something about the mossy greens, muddy browns and clear blues had called out to Lorelai that day. A nightmare, worse than any other before it, had hit her hard in the middle of the night and she’d not been able to fall back to sleep. So, to her mother’s surprise, Lorelai had met her at the front door, bright and early that morning, ready to join her on her walk.
‘Mum, can we slow down a bit? I’m not as used to dodging rabbit holes as you are.’ Lorelai’s boots had already given her huge blisters that made every step infinitely more painful than the last. Not to mention she was dragging a huge weight in her heart that made her breath catch every few steps. Each time an image from the plane fire resurfaced, every muscle in her body braced itself for impact, and her bruised heart ached.
Lorelai had never interfered with anyone’s death prior to James – and that had only been because of what happened when her visions of Riggs had changed. She hardly knew anything about her…power. It was so much bigger than her. She wasn’t special and she was certain that she hadn’t been specifically chosen to be the bearer of this curse. If anything, she felt as though she’d been accidentally tangled up in this mess. That she was a stowaway on a ship but had no idea where it was heading. Someone had mistakenly given her a giant red button and even though she desperately wanted to know what it did, Lorelai truly believed it was not her job to push it any further than she had already.
Even so, Lorelai couldn’t see how she could stop the plane Grayson would board sometime in the future from going up in flames. Because of course she had thought about it. She had attempted to change James’s death out of a selfish desperationto learn more about herself so she could be with Grayson and she had learned her lesson. If you played with fire, the people you love will get burned. Besides, stealing a bike was all it took to change James’s death, but stopping a huge explosion? Lorelai didn’t know how she’d ever be able to pull off something like that, even though she very much wanted to. Lorelai also couldn’t stop wondering if saving Grayson would have a ripple effect and change someone else’s fate. For all she knew, meddling in James’s death had meant someone else was now going to collide with that car on the day James was originally meant to. How could she play God like that? Who was she to say that one life was worth more than another? If Lorelai intervened she might be responsible for the death of someone else in Grayson’s place and she wasn’t sure she could live with that. Lorelai felt heavy with the weight of all these thoughts and questions. The only solace she could find was that Grayson hadn’t mentioned that he was travelling anywhere anytime soon and so she had time to think everything through properly before deciding what to do.
‘Absolutely not! Let’s get your blood pumping and your heart racing!’
Lila’s voice pulled Lorelai back to the present. She shook her head slightly to clear her mind and looked at her mother. Lorelai wondered if Lila had been a fitness instructor in a past life and, if she had been, she wished she would leave it very much in the past. Despite her internal grumblings, though, Lorelai had to admit that the crisp autumn air and beautiful countryside was helping take her mind off Grayson, even if only for a second here and there. It also kept her mind off Joanie. Joanie had texted at least twice every day in the week she’d been away. Never lettingLorelai forget that she was still there for her. That she was still her friend, and not the enemy, but Lorelai couldn’t bring herself to talk to her just yet. She didn’t know when she would. In her heart, she knew it wasn’t Joanie’s fault and that she owed her an apology, but her whole being hurt so much that she didn’t yet feel strong enough for that conversation.
She took a long, deep breath. Her mother was right. The country air was doing her some good. As was her mother’s rustic cooking and the sound of her dad noodling on his acoustic guitar by the fire every evening. She may still be hurting but a calmness was slowly beginning to settle around her.
Lorelai had never come home to visit like this. She’d spent most Christmases with her parents but she never stayed for longer than a couple of days and she was always desperate to get back to London. She had never visited just because she had missed them. She did miss them, of course, but she’d created a distance between herself and them that meant it had been easy for her to stay away and focus on her life in London. She’d spent more time with her mother and father over the last few days than she had in several years. Cosied up in their cottage, with no one around for miles, and three cats to cuddle, Lorelai realised what she had been missing out on and shards of regret pierced her heart. It was something else she had denied herself. And what good had it done her?
‘Sorry I’ve not visited more, Mum,’ Lorelai said, hoping the howl of the wind didn’t carry her voice away.
‘I’m going to stop you right there. No need to be sorry for living your life. You’ve always followed your own path. I’m so proud of you for that, and a million other things.’ Lila’s voice was warm, but it didn’t take away the sting of Lorelai’s guilt.
‘I know you are but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t also spend time with you. I… shut you out. And Dad. I’m sorry.’
‘You know, sweetheart,’ Lila began slowly, ‘if you ever wanted to talk, have a proper mother/daughter heart to heart, then we could do that.’ She tucked a strand of hair behind Lorelai’s ear. ‘There’s so much going on in that head of yours. Why not let a little of it out?’
Lorelai wondered where she would even begin. Pulling on one strand of her life would unravel the whole messy lot of it. She couldn’t explain to her mother that part of the reason she’d fallen out with Joanie was to do with her biggest secret – a secret that only Joanie knew about. A secret that had kept her from kissing anyone in a very long time. And she couldn’t explain why kissing Grayson had led to her turning up in the middle of the night, unless she was honest about watching him die horrifically right before her eyes, in a vision. There was so much to unpack, Lorelai didn’t know where to start.
‘I know, Mum. I will. I just… not right now. It’s all still a bit messy in my head and I want to make sense of it first before I talk it out.’
Lila nodded. ‘OK. I understand. But sometimes talking things out while they’re still a mess helps to untangle it all a little quicker.’
‘Mum…’ Lorelai warned.
‘OK. Backing off.’ Lila literally took two steps away from her daughter with her hands raised. It was meant to lighten the mood, but Lorelai suddenly wondered if this was how her mother would react, if or when she found out her secret. Backing away from her as if she was a rabid animal.
‘I think I need a task while I’m here,’ Lorelai said, changing the subject. ‘Have you got anything I can do? Something repetitive and boring to let my brain mull things over without me really noticing. The more I actively think, the more I just want to drink gin and cry.’
‘We’ve got plenty of gin if that’s what you want to do. I keep it in the cupboard under the stairs to stop your dad drinking my fancy, expensive stuff.’
‘You’re my mum! You’re meant to encourage me to take up knitting or quilting. Not day-drinking.’
‘Sorry. You’ve just grown up so much. Sometimes I forget you’re the same little girl who used to play with dolls and draw all over my wallpaper in permanent marker. And chase the neighbour’s cat when you were small enough to think you could ride it like a pony. Do you remember that?’ Lila laughed, delighted at the memory.
It was then that Lorelai realised just how beautiful her mother was. There waslifein her face. Lila looked like someone who was well-loved, and who loved well. Like a book with dog-eared pages, its spine cracked and cover wrinkled. Those were the most prized books on Lorelai’s shelves. They were the most loved, because they were the ones Lorelai returned to time and time again. Their wear and tear were born out of love. Why did no one ever say that about people? Lila’s wrinkles and creases were also born out of love, from years’ worth of tears and laughter. The deeper wrinkles in her brow must be from all the times she frowned or thought hard, and her greying hair the result of all the stress and excitement life had brought her. Lorelai suddenly saw the beauty in it all.
‘I love you, Mum.’
It fell out of her mouth without a single thought or a moment’s hesitation. It shocked her more than it shocked her mother. Lorelai had given herself the tiniest amount of permission to feel this love for her mother, and it hit her in a sudden, strong burst. It felt… good. And safe. Is this what love was? Opening that door wasn’t one way. She was beginning to let her mother in, but she was also beginning to let herself out.
‘I know you do.’ Lila smiled a little sadly. ‘I always know because I can always feel it. Even when you’re far away and busy being brilliant. But it’s lovely to hear all the same.’ She quickly wrapped her arms around her daughter so that she didn’t see the tears forming in her eyes. ‘Right, so you need a distraction? Well, I’ve got some boxes in the loft that need sorting through. Some of your grandma’s stuff. I’ve not had the strength to go through it all nor the heart to let any of it go but I think it’s time. It’ll be long, dull, dusty. Up for it?’
Lorelai took her mother’s arm, and squeezed into her side as they began the walk home. It felt like the most natural thing in the world, as though this spot was meant just for her.
‘That sounds like exactly the sort of thing I need right now.’
‘Hi, Lollie. Can I still call you that? Anyway, it’s me. Again. For the millionth time. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m more sorry than I’ve ever been in my whole entire life and I hate that this is where we are. I promise from now on I will listen to you when you say enough is enough. When you tell me I’m pushing too hard I will hear you. I swear. So… I’m going to stop calling because you clearly need space. But I’m here when you’re ready. I love you like a sister but we’re better than sisters because wechoseeach other. And I still choose you. I’ll always choose you.’
Twenty-Three
Lorelai woke, screaming. She fumbled around, desperately searching for her lamp’s switch. Only when the warm light flooded her bedroom did her breathing begin to slow. Her nightmares had been becoming more frequent, but this one had been the worst yet.
