‘I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I really thought I could, but I can’t. I’m not strong enough. I’m so sorry.’
‘Lorelai, no! Wait! Talk to me. What happened?’
Lorelai met his desperate stare with her own, and became locked in his gaze for a painful moment. He was so kind, so ready to love and be loved. She thought of his family, of Aden, when they heard the news of his death. Would they ever recover from losing someone like Grayson? She’d known him for the smallest fraction of time and she already knew this was something she’d never get over. Something that would haunt her for the rest of her life.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispered and he let her go.
She turned and fled. Her eyes were blurry from the tears, her heart was crashing in her ears, her mouth was dry, everything was numb. London was a blur around her as she ran. People instinctively moved out of her way as she ran and ran and ran. The plane, the flames, the screaming… it was too much. Why did the man she had fallen in love with have to die in such a way? Was this the price she had to pay for having this power? She’d dearly hoped to see Grayson quietly and peacefully slip away, after living a full life. She’d prepared herself to handle the best-case scenario because what were the chances she’d be dealt the worst? Why did Grayson have to be taken so painfully and so very soon? With every thundering footstep on London’s wet pavement, she could feel the little time Grayson had left slipping away and it was so much more than her heart could handle.
Lorelai didn’t bother folding her clothes. She simply grabbed armfuls out of her wardrobe, hangers and all, and crammed them into her suitcase as tightly as she could.
‘Lollie? What’s going on?’ Joanie ran from the living room and stood in the doorway watching her work quickly to make as fast an escape as possible. ‘Woah, woah. Hey, you need to calm down and take a breath.’
Lorelai glared at Joanie through her tears. ‘I can’t calm down! I told you I couldn’t do it, and you didn’t listen. You never have and I don’t think you ever will. You don’t listen to me!’
Lorelai had stood there and listened as Joanie had expressed her concerns and feelings to her. Now, it was Lorelai’s turn to say what she needed to say and she hoped, for once, Joanie would listen.
‘I liked my life the way it was. Sure, did I wonder what it was like to be loved? To have Grayson in my life? Yes! I’ll admit it. I did. But I was OK with what I had. I was getting along just fine. I had my job. I had you. I had my dreams of becoming a script writer. It was enough, but you just couldn’t let it go!’
Joanie shifted her weight from foot to foot, unsure of what to do. ‘Lorelai, I’m going to make us some tea and we’re going to sit and talk about this.’
‘No, Joanie!’ Lorelai slammed her make-up bag down into her case. ‘You’ve been right about so many things but this time … you were wrong.’ She slammed the lid of her suitcase closed and pulled it off her bed. She needed to get out of there now. ‘Why couldn’t you just leave well enough alone? You have no idea what it’s like to be in my shoes or in my head. To see the things I see. You actively encouraged me to see the death ofthe person I’m falling for. You actually thought that was a good idea and now… now I don’t know if I can get over this. That’s something I will never unsee and his death,Grayson’sdeath, I’ll have to relive that every day for the rest of my life and it’s because ofyou.You talked me into it and… I need to leave. I can’t be around you right now because I don’t know what I’ll do or say if I don’t get away. From you. From here. From everything.’
Joanie was sobbing now but Lorelai was blinded by her own pain. And it was making her cold. Grayson’s death was on a loop in her mind and each time she witnessed it, it touched her soul and made her more numb. One day, perhaps she’d feel nothing at all.
‘Lorelai, please don’t go,’ Joanie whispered.
‘I have to.’ Lorelai pushed past her, and walked down the corridor, towards the front door.
‘When will you be back?’ Joanie called after her, desperate now.
She didn’t answer and pulled the door shut behind her. Joanie didn’t follow her, but Lorelai felt her body fall against the door and the sound of her sobs echoed after her, as she ran out of the building, onto the street, and left her friend behind, for how long she didn’t know.
‘Hi. Lorelai. It’s… it’s Grayson. I don’t know what happened back there. You’ve disappeared on me twice now and I just… I don’t get it. Or you. I don’t understand why you keep running away from me. But I’ve got this feeling that you want to tell me why, but something is stopping you. What is it, Lorelai? Because, if I’m being honest, you don’t seem very happy. And you should be. Happy, I mean. Look, I like you and I’m here for you, but I don’t deserve to be treated like this. I haven’t done anything to hurt you, so I don’t understand what’s going on. But you can trust me, I promise. So, if you want to call me, then I’m all ears, but please, Lorelai, only call if you’re going to explain what’s going on with you. I don’t think I can take any more of your unexplained exits. If I don’t hear from you then that’s… that’s fine. I mean, it’s not. That would make me sad and I’ll probably wonder for the rest of my life what the hell all this was about but I’ll respect your privacy and I won’t call again. I’m going out of the country in two weeks so… your move, Lorelai.’
Twenty-Two
Lorelai had spent a lot of her life making sure that only the smallest number of people had got close to her, which meant in times of crisis, Lorelai had very few people she could turn to. Joanie had been her rock, but now it was Joanie, and Grayson, who she was running from, which meant the only place she had left to go was to her parents’ house. She’d spent the last few hours in a daze. She couldn’t remember purchasing her train ticket, nor choosing a seat as the last train out of London left the station, and she had arrived at her destination in what felt like the blink of an eye. It was only as the taxi pulled up in front of her childhood home that the driver informed her the card machine was broken and she had realised she had no cash on her. Lorelai also hadn’t called ahead, hoping to sneak in with the spare key unnoticed and explain everything in the morning. No such luck. Instead, she was forced to knock on the front door with a trembling hand. It was after one in the morning.
‘Please wake up, please, please, please,’ she whispered, shivering in her coat, and tucking her face into her scarf to keep warm. She saw the hallway light come on through the frosted glass, and her father opened the door.
‘Lorelai? What on earth are you doing here? Is everything OK? Get inside quickly and warm up!’ He gave Lorelai no time to reply in between questions and pulled her inside by her icy fingers.
‘Ahem!’ The cab driver gave a pointed cough.
‘I’m so sorry, Dad.’ Lorelai’s bottom lip began to wobble but her dad was already elbow deep in the pockets of his coat that was hanging on the hook, searching for his wallet.
‘David? Who is it?’ Lila’s sleepy voice drifted down the stairs.
‘It’s me, Mum,’ Lorelai called.
‘Lorelai? What’s wrong? What’s happened?’
Lila flew down the stairs and pulled her daughter towards her. She exchanged a concerned glance with her husband. David shook his head slightly, paid the now curious-looking taxi driver, and then gently shut the door.
Lorelai hadn’t given any thought to how she would explain her unannounced arrival to her parents. She looked at their worried faces, and all her words left her. Instead, she crumpled, giving into the onslaught of tears that she’d been holding back since she had boarded the train out of London. Her mother and father simply scooped her up and put her to bed, tucking her in and stroking her hair as though she was a child again. Lorelai had fallen into a deep and troubled sleep, and she hadn’t said much about it all to either of them since. That had been a week ago.
‘Fresh countryside air. That’s all you needed!’ Lila chirruped as she strode on with all the energy of a Jack Russell.
