“I mean, you should be even more upset about this. You’re the one who never orgasms. How do you think that makes me feel, that I can never get you there?”
My eyes closed to keep the burning moisture within. Every time he said it like that, I felt more broken.
“We fit everywhere else, but we don’t fit when it comes to sex. And you’re not even trying anymore. When we have sex lately, it feels like you’re putting up with it, not enjoying it.” His hand reached out to rest over my clenched ones. “I deserve better than that. We both do.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I’m not sure how to fix it. I just don’t think I have a very high libido.”
“That’s bullshit,” Neil said, pulling away. “Don’t think I don’t know when you’re using your vibrator. Hell, I started telling you to use it after I finished because I saw you come with it. Your body can orgasm. It just can’t do it with me.”
I took a deeper breath. “Are you breaking up with me?” My voice cracked on the last word, making me feel even more pathetic.
“No! I love you.” His hands came back, enclosing mine. “I don’t want to lose you, but we can’t keep going like this.”
I blinked the heat from my eyes before lifting my head to meet his gaze. “Are you saying we try to fix it? Like, try new things?” I’d been asking him for more foreplay for a while. When I’d started masturbating, I quickly learned that I got revved up when I teased myself. Neil always seemed to be in such a hurry, but he’d get upset and often lose his erection if I asked him to slow down. I’d eventually stopped asking.
“Let’s face it, we’re the blind leading the blind. Losing our virginity to each other might have seemed romantic in theory, but it’s been pretty awful, hasn’t it?”
I cringed every time I remembered our first attempt. We couldn’t have done it right, not when it’d hurt just as much the next two times as well.
“No, we need outside help.” He looked away.
I pulled my hands free as I frowned at him. “What do you mean? Like a sex therapist?”
He blew out a breath. “No. That would be too embarrassing.” His eyes couldn’t quite meet mine. “We should open our relationship for a while.”
“Open it?” Anxiety tightened my chest again. “You mean like… have sex with other people?”
“Yes, exactly.” A flush stained his cheeks. When his eyes met mine, the green almost sparkled. They only looked that way when he got excited. The idea of having sex with someone other than me was turning him on.
My stomach flipped in a sickening way. “I’m not sure I want that.” My hands fidgeted in my lap. It wasn’t that I was uncertain. The idea of being with someone else made me want to hyperventilate.
“Oh, come on, Hailey. Are you honestly going to tell me you haven’t imagined being with anyone else? Before we got together, you were going to lose your virginity to that other guy. Logan, wasn’t it?”
I tried not to think about Logan. He’d been sweet but also sexy, especially when I went to watch his band play in his garage. I’d hurt him when I broke things off, but when Neil had admitted his feelings, I’d been too scared to lose his friendship to turn him down. Neil was the one person meant to be in my life forever. I’d always known that.
“Admit it. You’re not thinking of me every time you touch yourself, are you?” He snorted, brushing at his jaw. “I mean, I don’t always think of you.”
His admission hurt. He was wrong. I’d always thought about him, but I’d imagined him touching me in all the ways I’d only dreamed about. The ways we could never quite get right together.
He leaned on the table, drawing my gaze back to him. “It’s okay. I’m not mad or anything. This is exactly why we shouldexplore.” He huffed a laugh. “I mean, imagine all the skills I’ll learn. Neither of us knows what we’re doing, but if we learn from others, we’ll come back together stronger.” His eyes softened as he traced them over my face. “I’d really love to be the one to make you have an orgasm in the future. If we could get there, of course marriage would be the next step. I know you want to get started on that big family you’ve always dreamed about.”
“I’m not sure,” I said again, still panicking inside. I was supposed to let some other man touch me? Someone I just met?
“It won’t work unless we’re both doing it. I don’t want you to resent me for being with other people,” Neil said, as if it was already a sure thing that he was going to do it.
My mind spun. “What about STIs? And other things?”
“We’ll both promise to use condoms. I mean, birth control has always messed with you, so you’d have to anyway, right?” He waved his hand through the air. “I might suck at sex, but I’ve figured out how to wear a condom correctly.”
“I don’t know. Where would we even find these people? And would we both be bringing them back here?” My eyes scanned the home we’d shared for the last ten years, ever since his grandparents had passed away and left him the house. “That doesn’t feel right.”
He frowned, his gaze also searching the space around him. “No, you’re right. How about we both agree to use hotels? I mean, with what a genius you are at finances, we’ve got plenty of savings.”
My cheeks flushed with the compliment. I worked as a financial planner, and I’d used a lot of my knowledge to make sure we both saved and invested well. Not having to pay rent had helped. We kept all of our money separate still, since we weren’t married, but I was proud of what we’d both accomplished by the time we were thirty.
Honestly, turning thirty-one had been hard. I did want a lot of kids, and in a few more years, pregnancy would be considered higher risk for me. We were comfortable and stable and in love. Marriage should have been the next step.
But I sucked at sex, and that was a deal-breaker for Neil. That was what he was saying. Unless we do this, it was over.
