I’ll add it to my list of flaws. Right under “attempts to kill fig trees by overwatering” and “attracted to pretend celebrities.”
Shit.
Attracted. I wrote attracted and sent the message without thinking.
I’ve been so careful to keep everything platonic between us, but now I’ve added a charged word likeattracted.
Am I actually attracted to him? Is it possible to be attracted to someone without even knowing what they look like? To simply be attracted to someone’s mind?
The message sits there, mocking me. Three syllables that have completely shifted the energy of this conversation from “two strangers goofing around” to “Nick somehow manages to be attracted to an internet stranger and apparently has no filter.”
I watch the dots appear next to AntD’s name with trepidation. Dot dot dot. The three dots of doom.
AntD
That’s a very specific list.
Oh good. He’s choosing to ignore my accidental confession. Bless this man.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
I’m a very specific disaster.
AntD
Tell me something about you that no one else knows.
Something about the question makes my chest tight. Not in a bad way. In an “oh, this person actually wants toknowme” way. Which is dangerous territory when you’re talking to someone whose real identity you don’t know.
But also…when’s the last time someone asked me something like that? Not “What do you do?” or “What’s your major?” or “Top or bottom?”
I could deflect. Make a joke about my irrational fear of mascots—those dead eyes haunt me—or my secret ability toquote the entire opening scene ofThe Lion King. Safe territory. Funny territory.
But something about AntD makes me want to be honest. Maybe it’s because he can’t see my face right now. Can’t watch me fumble or blush or do that thing where I laugh too loud to cover up the fact that something actually matters to me.
There’s safety in the screen between us, but there’s also something else—this weird feeling that if I give him the rehearsed version of myself, the funny deflection, the safe answer, I’ll have wasted something.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
Uh…what about how I’m slightly addicted to a forum? Actually, that’s not something no one else knows because my roommate is always hassling me about it. But she doesn’t know the reason I’m so addicted to it.
AntD
What’s the reason?
NickKnackPaddyWhack
So, it’s this forum where people share stories that show what’s good about humanity. And I was in a bit of a dark space after my last breakup. For a few weeks, it was like my brain could only focus on all the negative stuff, like the wars, climate disasters, and the way people tear each other apart online over the stupidest things. Every time I opened my phone, it was just evidence that people suck and nothing good lasts.
It feels weird typing this. Weird and also terrifying? I hadn’t even told Jade or Teddie how low I’d been feeling. I’m sure theythought it was just normal post-breakup blues, but it had felt more existential than that at the time. Like Chad cheating on me had ripped some protective filter off my brain, and suddenly, I could see the cracks in everything. Every couple on the street? Probably lying to each other. Every friend? Potential betrayal waiting to happen. Every politician, every CEO, every person with any power at all? Just waiting for their chance to abuse it.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
The idea of the forum is to not only be a passive observer, but to interact and support other people. And when you do that, when you take the time to appreciate someone else’s story or leave a comment that might brighten their day, it actually makes you feel better too. And I guess making other people feel seen helped me feel less invisible? God, that sounds pathetic typed out. But it’s true.
After I press send, I put my phone down and press my palms against my eyes.
What did I just do? I don’t tell people this stuff. Jade thinks I bounced back from Chad within a few weeks. Teddie thinks I’m fine. My parents definitely think I’m fine because I’ve gotten very, very good at performing fine.
