And some guy on Instagram, whose face I’ve never seen, now knows more about my post-breakup spiral than anyone in my actual life.
My phone sits there, screen dark, holding all my worst moments in a little chat bubble waiting to be judged.
Three dots appear, and my heart rate spikes like I’ve just been jumpscared. Which, emotionally speaking, I kind of have. By myself. Because I’m the one who decided to have a feelings dump in someone’s DMs on a random Tuesday night.
AntD
That doesn’t sound pathetic. What’s the forum’s name?
Something loosens in my chest. Like a knot just quietly untied itself.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
It’s called ShareYourGlow. It’s based on the idea that all humans have a light worth sharing, and you can only fully glow by making others shine brighter too.
AntD
I like that idea. What type of stories are on there?
NickKnackPaddyWhack
All types of stories. There are all these different threads, which they call lightbeams. Like, there’s one about random acts of kindness from strangers, another about people overcoming obstacles. Those kinds of things.
Now is not the time to tell him that one of my favorite beams is QueerWaystoFallinLove. That would be revealing too much. But reading about strangers finding connections in the weirdest, most random ways? It made me believe that maybe—eventually—I’d get my own story too.
AntD
I’ll definitely check it out.
Is he just indulging me by pretending to be interested? The way people do when you accidentally trauma-dump at a partyand they nod sympathetically while their eyes scan the room for an escape route?
There’s one way to test it. See if he’s willing to meet me where I just went.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
Now it’s your turn to tell me something you’ve never told anyone before.
I watch the dots as he types, barely breathing.
AntD
Okay, here’s something. I have this habit of mentally rehearsing conversations before they happen. Not just important ones. Like, I’ll plan out what I’m going to say to the barista. Word for word. And if the other person goes off script from what I expect them to say, I kind of freeze.
I think it’s because I’m terrified of being caught off guard. Of someone seeing me fumble and realizing I don’t actually have my shit together. So I’m constantly performing a more polished version of myself.
You’re the first person I don’t do that with. These messages, I just…send them. Without editing them fifteen times first. I don’t know why that is.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
Yeah, I’m the same. I’m pretty sure you’ve realized I just blurt out whatever shit is in my head, right?
Although I do edit my message, but only because my spelling is so atrocious that you wouldn’t be able to understand me otherwise.
AntD
Bold of you to assume I can always understand you, even WITH the spell check.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
