It took a long time for sleep to come. My body jerked a few times like it ain’t wanna let go, and every time I drifted off somethin’ in my head dragged me back awake, but eventually the exhaustion pulled me under.
I ain’t know how long I was knocked out when a clinkin’ noise hit my cell bars. At first it blended with whatever dream I was in, but the second one cut through clear. I opened my eyes and blinked slow until the room came back into focus. Somebody was tappin’ the metal like they was tryna wake me without makin’ a scene.
I sat up and rubbed my face, and when I finally looked toward the door, Kelli was standin’ there. He had a ripped piece of paper folded between two fingers, and he was leanin’ against the bars like he always did, unbothered and quiet.
“I’m out,” he said, holdin’ the paper.
I blinked again, makin’ sure I heard him right. “What?”
“I told you I’d be leavin’ any day now,” he said. “Today’s the day.”
I swung my legs off the bunk ‘cause the shit hit me different than I expected. It wasn’t sadness, and it wasn’t fear, but it was somethin’ that sat low in me ‘cause I ain’t think he would be gone this soon. We had just started kickin’ it for real. We just startedbuildin’ that understandin’ that only lone niggas pick up on in a place like this.
He stepped closer to the bars and slid the folded paper through the slot. “This my number,” he said. “Don’t lose it.”
I took the paper and looked down at it, then back at him. He ain’t smile, and he ain’t give me some speech about friendship or none of that corny shit. He just nodded once, real simple.
“You cool people, Kay’Lo,” he said. “If you need anything when you get out… hit my line. I’ll make sure you straight.”
For a second, I ain’t know what to say ‘cause my chest felt heavier than before but I ain’t want it showin’. So I nodded back. “Same.”
He looked at me like he already knew what I wasn’t sayin’, like he understood the type of men we both was—Men who ain’t trust easy but also ain’t forget the ones who proved they solid.
“Keep your head up,” he said, and he tapped the bars once like a goodbye.
He turned and walked down the hall with that same slow, confident stride he always had. The CO escortin’ him barely spoke as they moved, and when he hit the corner and disappeared out of sight, the silence in the hallway felt heavier than before.
I looked down at the number in my hand again and let out a breath I ain’t know I was holdin’. I folded it tighter and tucked it deep inside my mattress ‘cause I sure as hell wasn’t lettin’ nobody else get to it.
The jail felt different now.
The small comfort that came from havin’ somebody I could talk to in this bitch disappeared with his footsteps. I laid back down on the bunk and stared at the ceilin’ while the weight of the courtroom, the judge’s decision, and my family’s hurt all came slammin’ back in.
I closed my eyes ‘cause there wasn’t nothin’ else I could do. And even though the cell felt too damn small and the air felt thick with pressure, I told myself I had to make it through the night. I had to keep my mind right. I had to get back home to Toni.
And now that Kelli was gone, I was right back to bein’ by myself in this bitch.
Just me…the walls…and the wait.
Trill-Land, ‘LoLux Estate
Two days later…
Even though Kay’Lo wasn’t home, I still kept my phone on loud everywhere I went like I was waitin’ on the most important call of my life, ‘cause that was exactly what it felt like. I kept that bitch on the counter when I cooked, in the bathroom when I showered, tucked beside me when I tried to nap, and even on the sink when I brushed my teeth. I ain’t care if I was on the toilet or in the middle of washin’ dishes. If my husband called, I was answerin’.
There was a difference between us bein’ separated before and him bein’ locked up now. When we was separated, he was mad and I was mad, but he was outside. He could breathe fresh airand eat whatever he wanted and sleep in a real bed. If he wanted to drive around all night or sit and chill with his cousins or go to a damn club, he could. I still hated the distance then, but it wasn’t this. This was somethin’ else. This was a hurt that crawled deeper every day, ‘cause someone else dictated when I could hear his voice and how long I could have it.
Even though I was only eight weeks into my pregnancy, motherhood was already takin’ over me in a way that made me softer and more emotional than I ever been in my life. I rubbed my stomach every mornin’ even though it was still kinda flat, and I talked to the lil’ life growin’ inside me like it could already hear me. I tried to stay calm for the baby ‘cause Treasure kept remindin’ me that stress traveled.
I couldn’t lie though; That woman had been my backbone these last few weeks. Kay’Lo’s mama made me smoothies every mornin’ with all type of stuff I couldn’t even pronounce but she swore would help my nausea. She brought teas to the house and checked my blood pressure and cooked full meals with the exact seasonin’ she knew wouldn’t mess with the baby. She was always on the phone with doctors makin’ sure I had the best care, and even with all that love she gave me, none of it could fix the hole in my heart from my nigga not bein’ here.
Two days had passed since the whole courthouse mess, and the shit still replayed in my head whenever I sat still too long. Abeni and Lennox yellin’, that damn man droppin’ dead, and Kay’Lo bein’ pulled away in cuffs before I could touch him had my head still spinnin’.
I pulled myself out of my thoughts long enough to turn off the water. The tub was filled with bubbles, and warm water and I was grateful for the small moment to myself. I stripped out my clothes and stepped one foot in the bath, about to slide all the way down, when my ringtone echoed through the bathroom.
My heart jumped, and I snatched the phone so fast it almost slipped out my hand.
I pressed accept on the automated voice without hesitation. If I could’ve beat that robot bitch up to make her talk faster, I swear I would’ve.
